


Shielded

by BlackValentine



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Airports are hell, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety Attacks, Attempted Murder, Awkward Tension, Divorce, Emotional masks, F/M, Family Reunions, Fili's ex is a witch, M/M, Nightmares, Parental Thorin, Suicide, child custody, survivor's guilt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-26
Updated: 2014-02-13
Packaged: 2017-12-16 05:53:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 16
Words: 28,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/858583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackValentine/pseuds/BlackValentine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They were young when the tragedy struck, ripping their family apart at the seams. Now it's a decade later. In New York City, Kili is fighting the courts to put away the very people who ruined his family. Across the country, Fili is fighting a very different battle in a bitter divorce that could leave him with absolutely nothing. Can the tragedy that destroyed their family be the one thing that brings them back together again? Or will it only lead to more pain then either can bear?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Beginning of the End

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimers: All lyrics and song titles used in this fic belong to the artist(s) who wrote them. Tolkien's characters, of course, belong to him. The modern characteristics of them, and the random other original characters are mine. Some building descriptions and addresses belong to real buildings, but Shield law offices belongs to me. I think that's it... >.>
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr for updates! http://valentineletters.tumblr.com/

“This isn’t fair, Lena. It’s bad enough that you took Gracie away from me in the first place, but now you don’t even want me to see her?!”

Fili was pacing the kitchen of his one-bedroom house, phone pressed between his shoulder and ear as he tried to heat up a bowl of baby food with one hand while the other held his squirming daughter on his hip. 

“I’m a perfectly good father, Lena,” he protested. The microwave beeped and he shifted Gracie on his hip so he could open the door and pull the bowl out, whispering a curse when it burned his fingers.

“No, I did not just curse around _our_ daughter. Besides, it’s not like she knows what it means, anyway.” Grumbling to himself, he went to the freezer and pulled out an ice cube, dumping it into the bowl before picking it up again and taking it to the table. 

“Look. It was hard enough when you suddenly decided you wanted this relationship over without even a warning sign, okay? I had my life planned around us, around you and our daughter, and you never gave me any sign you wanted anything different until the day you shoved those papers in my face and took off with my child. Now, if you don’t want me in _your_ life, fine. So be it, because I don’t really want you in mine, either, but I’ll be damned if I let you take away the one good thing I’ve done in this life!”

Gracie started fussing as Fili tried to get her into her chair, kicking and screaming and fighting with the strength that only one-year-olds can muster. Lena was yelling in his ear, accusing him again of ruining her life by getting her pregnant and forcing her to get married too young, telling him it was his fault that she’d left because he hadn’t been a good husband, but everything rolled right over him as he barely listened to her. He’d heard it all before, all of her bullshit about how she had been a perfect person before he had supposedly ruined her. Funny, she hadn’t seemed all that innocent when she had climbed into his lap at the bar and given him a lap dance in front of all of his friends. Or the time she had begged him for action in his car when all he had wanted to do was take her out to dinner, a dinner that had never happened because she got mad that he wouldn’t sleep with her so early into their relationship. And then, when he finally had given in to her in hopes that it would save their relationship, she had ended up pregnant despite ensuring him that she was on the pill at the time. Later, he had found out she was lying about being on the pill at all, but he had never mentioned that. His daughter Gracie was precious to him, and he wouldn’t trade her for the world, even if she connected him to the she-devil incarnate.

“Lena, I have to go,” he interrupted her rambles, holding Gracie’s arm with one hand so he could hang up the cell phone and toss it onto the table. “Come on, honey, sit in your chair for daddy. Please? I made you soup,” he coaxed, but Gracie was having none of it. Sighing heavily, he picked her up and flopped into one of the wooden chairs, holding her in his lap instead. The baby calmed instantly and stared up at him expectantly, making Fili shake his head as he picked up her bowl of baby stew. “You’re going to be one spoiled princess when you grow up, aren’t you?” Gracie just opened her mouth, accepting the spoonful of food Fili offered her, and quickly swallowed it to ask for more. Fili just smiled and shook his head again, always happy to oblige.

When his phone didn’t ring for the rest of the night, Fili was relieved. When it didn’t ring the next day while he and Gracie spent hours at the zoo, he was grateful. However, by the time Sunday rolled around and his ex still hadn’t called, Fili was becoming a bit worried. She hadn’t allowed him a day of peace since their divorce months before, and two whole days of silence from her was unnatural, to say the least. He spent the day tense, waiting for something to happen, and was a near wreck by the time seven o’clock rolled around and the phone finally rang. Fili had just gotten Gracie’s shoes on for the third time – she was learning to take them off – when his cell phone began blaring “Bat out of Hell”. He set Gracie down on the floor with her toys and snatched the phone from the coffee table to answer it.

“Sorry, Lena, I decided to take a permanent vacation to the Bahamas,” he said, rolling his eyes as she began freaking out in his ear. “Christ, take a joke already. Where the hell would I get that kind of money anyway? You cleaned out my bank accounts in the divorce, remember? And child support? Yeah. Not going anywhere, babe.”

Lena replied with another of her infamous snarky comments, and Fili swore his eyes were going to roll out of his head.

“Just come in when you get here, okay? Gracie’s already ready to go.” He didn’t wait for a response that time as he snapped the phone shut and dropped it onto the couch before dropping down next to it. Gracie giggled and held up one of her toys to him, effectively making him smile in her ignorant bliss. Fili’s shoulder-length blonde hair fell forward as he leaned to take the toy before scooting forward to sit on the floor with her, joining her in the playtime he so rarely got any more. 

A knock on the door sounded about twenty minutes later before Lena came into the house, long red hair pulled back into a loose braid that trailed to the waist of her white dress suit. That was Lena, always professional until you got to know her properly. 

“Haven’t been to work yet tonight?,” Fili asked sarcastically, earning him a sharp glare from those dark blue eyes he’d fallen in love with. 

“Actually, I just left the lawyers office, thank you. We have a court date this Wednesday to discuss your visitation rights,” Lena responded as she crossed the floor to scoop up Gracie from the floor, her voice rising several notches to coo at the baby. “How’s my baby? How’s my baby? Did you miss mommy? Oh, mommy missed you, yes she did!” Hugging Gracie to her chest, Lena’s eyes and voice lost all of their sweetness as soon as she caught sight of Fili pulling himself up from the floor. “I expect you to be there on Wednesday, Fili. Our appointment is at ten o’clock.”

“I suppose that means I have until then to get off of work, right? Because to hell with my schedule, it’s always whatever works for you,” Fili responded, his light tone belying the anger underneath. Lena rolled her eyes at him and turned to walk away, grabbing the baby bag as she passed by.

“See you on Wednesday.”

“Always a pleasure, Lena.”

The door shut behind her, leaving Fili’s house feeling too empty in the sudden silence. His gaze fell on the toys Gracie had left behind, including the stuffed bear he had gotten her at the zoo. Leaning down, he picked up the bear and carried it to the kitchen where he grabbed a beer from the fridge and popped it open. Downing half of it, he let out a satisfied exhale and went back to the living room. Surely there was some crap show on to melt some of his brain cells for the next few hours before he had to get some sleep. Fili settled on the couch, placing the bear next to him as he flicked on the tv. There was a reality show on about people surviving impossible situations, a marathon in fact, and he found himself drawn into it as he slowly worked down the bottle of beer and the clock in the kitchen slowly ticked away the hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First shot at a modern AU story, so be honest with me. I'll add tags as the story progresses, of course. Comments are loved and appreciated!


	2. Appearances

_“Please, momma? Please?”_

_Kili could hear a voice, a familiar voice, but couldn’t place it._

_“Please, momma? I promise I won’t stay in there long,” the voice begged. “I just wanna see if they have the new action figures out. That’s all, I promise!”_

_Another voice, a female, laughing over the sound of running water._

_“Okay, Kili, okay. Let me finish the dishes, and we’ll go. Go get your-“ But the boy was already gone, thudding up the stairs to his room. The woman laughed again, a sweet, comforting sound._

_Darkness._

_“So what action figures are you looking for, sweetheart?”_

_The woman again, this time speaking over the sound of cars on the road._

_“Ori said his brothers have been talking about new GI Joe action figures. He said they’re gonna be the coolest ones they ever made!”_

_The little boy’s voice. Why did it sound so familiar?_

_“Cooler than your other action figures?,” the woman asked. Kili could almost feel the contemplation from the boy at the question._

_“Well, maybe not cooler than some of the Star Wars guys. Some of them are so cool cause they light up and-“_

_“Oh my god!”_

_A scream interrupted the boy, a woman’s scream of terror right before a loud smashing noise. Metal crunched, glass shattered, Kili felt himself being propelled forward…_

…and woke with a start, grappling desperately at the couch cushions as he stared wide-eyed at the dark wooden beams above his head. His throat was tight, holding back his own scream, but the nightmare was already fading, disappearing back into his subconscious. Early morning sunlight was filtering through the closed blinds, bathing his office in a gentle golden glow. He’d fallen asleep at the office again. Sighing heavily, Kili lifted an arm to place across his eyes. His hands were shaking, the adrenaline real even if the nightmare wasn’t. 

“But it was,” he whispered to the air. And therein was the problem. The nightmare was real, had really happened, but his conscious mind couldn’t remember it, making him wonder if his subconscious really did, either. 

People had told him about the accident, friends, family, and doctors alike, but Kili couldn’t remember any of it. In fact, the only part he did remember was waking up in the blaring lights of the ICU with his uncle Thorin standing over him. His first thought had been how messy Thorin looked, with his normally pristine suit rumpled, his long hair pulled free of its ponytail, and his eyes red-rimmed, almost as if he had been crying. But uncle Thorin didn’t cry. Uncle Thorin was a lawyer, and a good one at that; he couldn’t let his emotions get the better of him. After that was a bit of a blur until he’d gone home, but Kili usually stopped the memories there. There was nothing happy in his mind after waking up in that hospital. Nothing but grief and sorrow and anger and betrayal, and he didn’t need to remember that. Before the accident, there was nothing at all.

“You fell asleep in your office again.”

Kili jumped at the voice, propping himself up on his elbows as his eyes focused to reveal his uncle standing in the doorway, a small, amused smirk quirking one corner of the man’s mouth. Letting out a sigh, Kili flopped back down onto the small couch pillow and adjusted it behind his head.

“So it seems.”

“You know, if you wanted to live here, I wouldn’t have gone searching for a nice apartment for you,” Thorin commented as he stepped into the office and shut the door behind him. “Though your bed is probably much better for your back.”

“What difference did it make?" Kili asked with a soft snort. "I ended up living with you anyway. And the couch is plenty comfortable, thank you." Sighing again, he forced himself to sit up, swinging his legs around to sit properly on the couch. The lush carpet felt good under his bare feet, comforting and solid. He ran a hand through his hair and stood up, crossing the room to his personal coffee machine. There was one in the lounge, but Kili had grown tired of having to leave his office every time he needed refill, so he had splurged on a nice machine for himself instead. Thorin had protested at first, saying it made the young lawyer look lazy, but had stopped once he heard so many clients praising it.

Filling the machine with fresh ground beans from his mini-fridge – another novelty he had awarded himself – Kili purred at the smell. He’d always loved the smell of coffee, but loved the smell of the beans even more.

“Care for a cup?,” he asked as he reached into the single cabinet in search of his favorite mug. Thorin shrugged, moving further into the office to settle on the couch with a content exhale.

“Sure, why not.” He watched as Kili nodded and grabbed another mug, then shook his head. “I still can’t believe I allowed you to build a kitchen in your office.”

“Kitchenette,” Kili corrected, but he was grinning. “And it’s been a big help. I don’t have to leave my office for lunch breaks or coffee breaks. Hell, if I could build a bathroom in here, I’d be all set.”

“Still seems unprofessional to me,” Thorin argued, not even granting the second part a response. If he furthered the thought, his nephew probably would install a bathroom. Lord help him then.

“The clients like it, uncle,” Kili protested, just like always. This argument had been going in circles forever, and now it was more poking fun than anything. The office quickly filled with the warm, soothing smell of coffee, and the younger turned to lean back against the counter, hands propped up next to his hips. “Hasn’t anyone told you how much people appreciate a good cup of coffee? Even their attorneys soften up after a drink or two.”

Thorin chuckled. “Are you offering them coffee, or alcohol?”

Kili just smirked, an expression that reminded Thorin so painfully of his sister. “Whatever works, right?”

“Mm. No sleeping with the defense, Kili.”

The younger laughed out loud and shook his head, pushing off of the counter to go fetch the creamer from the mini fridge.

“Nah, they’re all too stiff and bitter for me. I mean, I like ‘em hard, but not stone cold, geeze. Besides, have you seen how old most of them are? Never liked prunes, thanks.”  
Thorin rolled his eyes at his nephew’s easy comments, remembering how hard it had once been for Kili to open up about his sexuality at all. Kili was one of those people who had the life everyone complained about – the ‘if anything can go wrong, it will go wrong’ type of lives that usually sent people straight into a spiral of alcohol, drugs, depression, and psychosis. But not Kili. His nephew had hidden springs located all over his body, and every time something knocked him off the cliff, he hit the bottom and bounced right back up. Nothing had ever kept Kili down for long, and Thorin admired him every day for that strength. 

“How are your cases coming?,” Thorin asked, swiftly changing the subject back to work. Kili shrugged, back in position leaning against the counter, and glanced over his shoulder at the slowly filling coffee pot.

“They’re coming along. The attorney in the Sellan case is giving me hell, trying to claim temporary insanity for his client…”

“Temporary insanity?!” Thorin exclaimed in disbelief, “His client was drunk off his ass!”

Kili tilted his head in a ‘duh’ expression. “I know that, that’s why it’s not going to fly. Doesn’t mean he can’t spin me around in circles with it, regardless of how stupid the claim is.”  
Thorin sighed and shook his head, leaning back on the couch and lifting his arms to stretch them out along the back of the furniture.

“What about the Kalasky case?”

“She finally confessed to the hit and run,” Kili said, turning around when he heard the coffee machine turn off and pouring them both mugs of it. “Said she couldn’t stand the guilt anymore, knowing she had killed a kid. She’s a mother, too, and was sobbing when she apologized to the boy’s mother.”

“Going to plead her down?,” Thorin asked, gratefully accepting the mug of black coffee with a quiet thanks. Kili nodded and went back to the counter to add cream and sugar to his own drink.

“Probably. There was no malice behind the act, just an accident. Yeah, she’s at fault for not watching, but she has to live with the guilt every day, too. I think that’s punishment enough sometimes.”

Thorin nodded. Kili’s compassion had gotten him in trouble a couple of times, but other times, like this, it was an attribute that Thorin was grateful for. Not everyone who committed a crime belonged behind bars for the rest of their life, a concept that not all lawyers were able or willing to grasp. Too many of them declared all criminals the same and fought to throw them all in jail regardless of the severity of the crime, but Kili, much like Thorin himself, knew that sometimes that philosophy didn’t work. Shit happened and people got hurt. That was life. But there was also a line, and Thorin had taught Kili that line between defendants well. Sometimes shit didn’t just happen; sometimes the defense didn’t care about who they had hurt or whose life they had ruined. Sometimes they really were criminals, and deserved to rot in jail for what they had done.

 _“Like the man who killed Dis…”_ His mind whispered, but Thorin quickly shook the thought away. The man who had killed his sister that afternoon deserved nothing more than to rot in a cell forever, if only they could prove who had done it.

Kili had finished fixing up his coffee and was slowly stirring it as he watched the multitude of expressions cross his uncle’s face. He knew the elder was tormented daily by the loss of his sister, and he also knew that he himself was a constant reminder of what had happened that day. For years, he had suffered from survivor’s guilt, wondering why he had lived when his mother had died, and Thorin had been the one to end that.

_“Your mother’s death will always hurt, Kili, and nothing can change that now. But you are still here, and your survival shows me what a strong young man you are. You give me hope, and you help me keep the memory of my sister alive. She’s still alive in you, kiddo. Don’t let her death ruin your second chance at life.”_

His eyes still blurred every time he heard his uncle’s words echoing in his mind, and Kili had to shake his head to push the feelings down. 

“Well, I should probably get ready for the day. Don’t think the clients will appreciate a totally rumpled suit, huh?”

Thorin looked up at him, taking in his nephew’s appearance, and smirked. 

“Might want to do something with that unruly hair of yours, too, before the janitor uses you as a mop,” he joked, laughing when Kili immediately tried to flatten his hair down. Finishing off his coffee, he stood and crossed the room to set the cup in the sink. “Thanks for the coffee, kid. See you later.”

“No prob. See ya,” Kili responded, saluting his uncle with his own cup as the other left the office, closing the door behind him. Left alone, Kili sighed and downed his coffee, then set the cup on the counter and headed towards the closet tucked in the corner of his office, ready to take on the new day.


	3. Say Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _What will you remember, when I say goodbye?_   
> _Would you even care, if I say goodbye?_

Fili walked up the steps of the courthouse, staring down at the pink swirls that decorated the dark gray granite under his feet, wondering who had thought up the color scheme for that. He heard a familiar voice call his name and looked up to see his lawyer at the top of the stairs, silhouetted in front of the building that was also a pale pink color. Maybe it was just him, but Fili didn’t find the color appeasing for a place that was most likely going to ruin his life. But maybe he was just being pessimistic. 

“So, you ready for this?” His lawyer asked, clapping Fili one the shoulder once the latter was close enough. Fili just shrugged, granting the man a brief glance before returning his gaze to the building. Up close, it really was a pale pink. _Gah._

“Are people ever ready for child custody cases, Mitch?”

Mitch Townsey was a good lawyer who didn’t charge an arm and a leg as his fee, which was why Fili had chosen him. He’d also gone through his own divorce and child custody battle, and Fili liked having someone on his side who knew what it was like. Sighing, Mitch turned towards the building, the twist revealing that his button-up shirt was a little too tight around his stomach. _Too many late nights at the bar_ , Fili found himself thinking, but dismissed the thought immediately. It wasn’t fair to his lawyer when he knew he was just being bitter.

“I don’t think anyone’s ever ready for the landslide, no, but we’ll give it our best. Right?”

“Yeah,” Fili agreed half-heartedly, returning a grim smile when Mitch offered him one. “Let’s get inside before she starts screaming that I’m late.”

\----------------------------------

The case was a nightmare. Lena started reprimanding him the second he walked in the door, but it was in that quiet, calm, I-can-make-you-feel-like-shit-with-one-word way that she had that he couldn’t say anything against. He wasn’t late, but there was no use pointing that out to her. Her watch said he was late, and no one else in the world could tell her differently. Hell, she would probably accuse the president himself of being late and not bat an eye. Gracie was on her hip the entire time, smiling at him and waving, but Lena wouldn’t let him even hug his child. There was no point in her getting close to him, she explained, if she was never going to see him again anyway. Then she had turned on her heel and walked prestigiously into the courtroom, looking for all the world like she owned the place. 

It hadn’t gotten any better from there. Lena had given the presiding judge every reason to think that Fili was a bad parent, but she had done it without actually calling him out on anything to avoid sounding like a total bitch.

“I tried to explain it to him, your honor,” she was saying now as Fili stared down at the table he was seated behind. “I told him that he had to wait to feed Gracie after microwaving her food, but he always insisted that she was fine. He burned her poor little tongue one time, and she cried while eating for a whole week.”

Fili grimaced at the reminder. He had been rushed and accidentally put the food in for too long without realizing it. Since he always knew what time made it the right temperature, he hadn’t checked the food before giving her a bite. Lena had given him hell for it, but it was Gracie’s teary eyes and scalded tongue that had hurt the most.

“…and he’s never been the careful type, your honor,” Lena was still chastising him in that sweet, caring voice she always put on around those she wanted something from – a voice so sweet that it made cotton candy feel ashamed to be called sugar. “Just this weekend, when I brought Gracie home from his house, I found bruises on her legs. Her delicate skin bruises so easily; you have to be so careful putting her in and out of the high chair.”

“Are you saying Mister Durin abuses your daughter, Miss Durin?” The judge asked. Fili lifted his gaze to stare at his ex, his stomach turning viciously.

But Lena shook her head. “Oh no, your honor. He isn’t… well, he isn’t intentionally abusive. I just think he doesn’t know how careful he needs to be with an infant.”

Fili looked to his lawyer, but Mitch wasn’t meeting his gaze. Yeah, now he was definitely going to be sick.

“Mister Durin?”

Fili swallowed harshly and lifted his gaze to the judge, who was staring down his nose at him in a way that made him want to squirm.

“Yes, your honor?”

“It says here that you currently have no steady job?”

Bring in the barf bags now. Fili shook his head. “That’s correct, your honor. I had a job until recently, when my place of employment closed down.”

The judge glanced over the papers, then nodded. “Yes, as a waiter, correct?”

If someone could bottle that condescending tone, they could make millions. Fili swallowed again, wishing he hadn’t already drank all of his water.

“Y-yes, your honor. I was making enough money to support myself and my daughter until the restaurant closed down, and I’m currently looking for another job. I have enough money put aside to last for a couple of months, if need be, but I’m hoping for a call back from the restaurants I applied to soon.”

The judge nodded again, flipping through the papers on his desk, then sighed and leaned back in his chair, the leather creaking as he set his glasses on top of the papers. Fili’s mouth went dry.

“In light of all the information I’ve reviewed about both parents, I feel I have come to a decision.”

Mitch adjusted his suit nervously, and Fili had to hide his shaking hands under the table. Lena, as always, was sitting perfectly straight in her chair, a worried expression on her face that Fili knew was faker than her cop-off Prada bag. Gracie sat perched on her lap, sucking on a pacifier while she played with a stuffed book.

“Mister Durin, you currently have no employment, and no room for a child at your place of residence. In addition, I have heard multiple stories about your careless behavior where the child is concerned. In lieu of these facts, I am granting full custody to Miss Durin until a time when you can better provide for your daughter.”

Fili’s eyes filled with tears as he stared at the judge, unable to look away from the man who had just handed down his fate. It was like staring at a car crash about to happen, only this time, he was the passenger in a car where the driver wanted him dead. 

“If your circumstances change, you may bring your motion for custody back to the court. Dismissed.”

The gavel fell to the dark mahogany wood, resounding through the courtroom over the sounds of Lena’s relieved chatter with her congratulatory lawyer. Mitch sighed as he began packing his briefcase. The judge headed out for his lunch break. 

And Fili… Fili sat there, his head bowed slightly to stare at the polished wooden table in front of him. He had lost custody of his daughter. His daughter, the most precious thing in his world, the only thing he had ever done right by anyone, and he had lost her. He had heard of people dying of heartbreak before, but had always blown it off. How could someone die of a metaphorical pain, anyway? It wasn’t like your heart could actually split in half, at least not from an emotional trauma. So why now did his heart feel like it had leapt from his chest, slicing itself on his ribcage to lie shredded at his feet? 

He heard Lena saying her goodbyes and forced himself to look up. She was saying goodbyes and thanks to her lawyer, but when she turned around and caught Fili’s eye, the look in that gaze made him want to die. She had won. After all he’d done for her, after all he’d given up to help her career and their baby, she had finally won anyway.

“Want to say goodbye to daddy, Gracie?”

That sickly sweet voice again, making him want to hurl all over her expensive shoes as she walked over with his baby on the hip of her sharp business suit. Gracie giggled and waved at him with one hand, the other in her mouth as she gurgled a quiet ‘buh bye’ to him. Fili forced a smile despite the tears in his eyes, and stood so he could see her better. 

“Bye bye, sweetheart,” he said, his voice near a whisper to prevent it from cracking. Reaching up, he took her free hand in his own and brought it to his mouth, laying a kiss on her soft skin. “My precious baby girl. Daddy loves you. Daddy loves you…”

Lena rolled her eyes. “Say bye, Gracie. We have to go see grandma. Want to go see grandma?”

Gracie nodded enthusiastically, removing the hand from her mouth to wave at Fili again, since he was still holding her other one.

“Buh buh deddy.”

Fili choked on a sob, not caring about his dignity or anyone else in the room as he gently squeezed his baby’s hand before Lena pulled her away.

“Bye bye, sweetheart,” Fili whispered as his ex walked down the aisle and out the doors of the courtroom. “Bye bye…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not even sorry.


	4. Picking Up the Pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I tried so hard, thought I could do this on my own_   
> _I've lost so much along the way_

This was not what he wanted. This was not what he had planned. When he’d left home at eighteen, Fili had never planned on going back, or even talking to the people he had left behind. But now, as business after business turned down his application and his savings began to run short, he found he didn’t have a choice.

“Nothing like running home with your tail between your legs, begging to be let back inside,” Fili muttered bitterly as he stared at the cell phone in his hand. All of his belongings were packed up, stacked in boxes all around the house. The furniture had been sold or given away. Now all that was left was the phone call.

_I don’t want to do this._

But he had to. He knew he had to. Opening the phone, Fili scrolled through his address book until he found the number he had saved earlier, the number for the Shield law offices in New York City. He brought up the number and stared at it, his finger hovering over the call button. That one-inch movement was the hardest one of his life.

\- - - - - - - - -

Thorin stopped mid-sentence when the phone on his desk buzzed and glanced apologetically to the man sitting across from him as he reached to answer the page.

“Yes?”

“Sorry, Mister Shields,” came the voice of his secretary, “there’s a call on line two for you.”

“Who is it? I’m in a meeting right now,” Thorin responded, cracking a smile when his mate chuckled. Okay, so maybe it was a small white lie, but he hadn’t seen Dwalin in a couple of days now, and Thorin had missed the big oaf.

“It’s Fili, sir.”

The smile faded from Thorin’s face as he lowered his gaze to stare at the phone in a shocked silence. Fili? 

“My… my nephew Fili?” he asked. Dwalin leaned forward in his own chair, a concerned look on his face. He knew about Fili, had heard about him whenever Thorin felt like opening up about his scattered family, and knew it was a rather tender subject for his mate.

“Yes, sir,” the secretary responded. Thorin swallowed and nodded.

“Thank you, Melanie.”

He pressed the button to end the intercom, then stared at Dwalin for a moment before picking up the phone and pressing line two to answer the call.

“…Fili?”

\- - - - - - - -

Fili had been pacing his kitchen, the horrible hold music playing in his ear while he waited for the secretary to transfer his call. What if Thorin didn’t want to talk to him? What if he hated Fili for abandoning the family all those years ago? Or worse, what if he refused to allow him to come home? 

_He can’t ban you from the state, you idiot._

No, but he could refuse to help him. Fili didn’t have enough money for the journey and for a house, especially not when he had child support payments and no job, which meant he would have to ask his uncle for a place to stay on top of everything else.

_This is just peachy._ He thought to himself as he ran a hand through his shaggy hair, noting that he needed a shower. _Maybe I should just hang up. I never should have called. He’s going to turn me down, and then I’ll have absolutely nothing and –_

“…Fili?”

He froze as a deep baritone voice replaced the elevator music, his breath caught and his heart racing. Fili hadn’t heard that voice in ten years, not since the last phone call he’d made to his uncle when he arrived in California to let the older man know he had made it safely. That call had been unpleasant, to say the least, and wasn’t one of Fili’s fondest memories of himself. Thorin had been angry at his nephew for leaving so abruptly, concerned about him being on his own, and stressed over Kili’s reaction to his brother’s absence. Fili had been bitter, nasty to his uncle when he insisted that he didn’t need Thorin anymore before hanging up on him.

Now it was ten years later, and Fili was having to admit that he did need his uncle, because he couldn’t take life’s abuse anymore.

“Fili? Are you there?”

Thorin’s voice in his ear brought Fili crashing back to Earth, and he had to swallow a few times before he could speak.

“Y-yeah. Yeah, I… I’m here,” he finally stammered out. He could hear Thorin sigh on the other side… A sigh of relief?

“How are you?” Thorin asked, and Fili fought down the bitter laugh in his throat as he surveyed his surroundings.

“I um… I’m not too great, actually.”

He heard a squeak that sounded like a chair being moved.

“What’s wrong, Fili? Are you hurt?”

Fili’s throat swelled at the concern in his uncle’s voice, stray tears falling when he bowed his head to land in dark spots on his khaki pants.

“Fili?”

“…I need help, uncle Thorin,” Fili whimpered, closing his eyes against the tears. “I had it all planned out, my entire life, and that stupid _bitch_ took _everything_. I can’t do it anymore. You were right; I can’t do this on my own.”

Thorin closed his eyes, bowing his head to rest his forehead on one hand, both elbows situated on the desk in front of him. He remembered how many times he had fought with Fili when his nephew wanted to move out, telling him he wasn’t old enough to take on life so suddenly and accusing him of abandoning his little brother. Fili had been indignant, yelling that Kili hardly even knew who he was, so why would it matter anyway? He was old enough to make his own decisions, and he wasn’t staying in that hellhole anymore.

“I’m sorry, Fili,” Thorin said quietly as he listened to his nephew sniffling over the line. “Is there anything I can do?”

The line fell silent, and had it not been for the breathing and occasional sniffle, Thorin would have thought Fili had hung up. When his nephew finally did speak, his voice was so small that it reminded Thorin of the little blonde cherub who had come running to him after being punished by his parents, wanting comfort that only an uncle could offer.

“…Can I come home? Please?”

Thorin swallowed hard, tears stinging his eyes as he opened them and leaned back in his chair again.

“Of course you can, Fili,” he answered. “You never have to ask for that.”

In his kitchen, Fili let out a choked sob and lifted his free hand to cover his eyes as tears began to fall freely. His world had been ripped out from under his feet, leaving him with nothing but resentment and regret, but now he had found solid land to stand on again. His family still loved him, still accepted him after what he had done, and that was one of the most wonderful, relieving feelings in the world.

Thorin let out a shaky sigh as he listened to his nephew crying over the phone, then wiped his eyes and leaned forward once more to look up flights out of Los Angeles.

“I’ll schedule you a flight, all right? When can you leave?”

Fili sniffed again and rubbed harshly at his eyes, pushing off the counter to go get toilet paper from the bathroom.

“I’m already packed,” he affirmed, pausing to blow his nose. “The truck should be here tomorrow at nine, so I can leave as soon as they do.” His pride wanted to deny Thorin’s purchase of a plane ticket, but reality told him that he couldn’t afford it himself, and to just shut up and take it.

Holding the phone with his shoulder, Thorin nodded briefly as he typed and searched.

“I’ll schedule you a flight at one o’clock, then. That should be enough time, right?”

Fili nodded, realized his uncle couldn’t see it, and cleared his throat quietly.

“Yeah. Yeah, that’s plenty of time.”

“All right, all set. Just pick up the ticket at the counter. It’s under your name.”

“Okay…”

“Fili,” Thorin said, pausing a moment as he shifted to hold the phone properly again, “I’m glad you’re coming home. We’ve missed you.”

There was silence for a heartbeat before Fili spoke again.

“Kili… Does he…”

“He remembers you enough to miss you,” Thorin assured him. “He’s asked about you a few times, wondering if I’ve spoken to you and if you’re ever coming back.”

Fili nodded again, leaning against the wall at the end of the hallway to stare at the boxes stacked in his living room.

“I’d like to see him tomorrow, when I get there.”

“Come to the office, then. He’s almost always here, when he’s not in court.”

“Court?” Fili questioned, tilting his head. “Why would he be in… Wait, Kili’s a lawyer with you?”

Thorin chuckled at his nephew’s disbelieving tone. “Quite a good one, actually, considering he only graduated law school last year.”

“Wow.” Fili ran a hand into his hair again, grimacing at the sweat and grime he felt in the strands. “Well um… I… I can’t wait to see you both.”

Glancing at Dwalin, who still looked concerned, Thorin gave him a relieved smile.

“I can’t wait to see you either, kiddo. Have a safe flight.”

“Thanks, uncle Thorin,” Fili said, his voice quiet. “Thank you… for everything.”

Thorin nodded, caressing his thumb over the phone against his ear.

“You don’t need to thank me, Fili. This is what family is for.”

“Thanks,” Fili whispered again. He owed his uncle more than a simple thank you, but for now, it would have to do. He just hoped Thorin understood how much this meant to him. 

They exchanged goodbyes, and Fili tossed the phone onto the counter. The weather outside had been sunny all day, but his gray mood had filtered it down so much that now his relief made the world look like it had when he’d been young, before he had cares in the world outside of having the coolest toys. Chuckling to himself, he shook his head and left the kitchen to go take a shower. There was no way in hell he was going home looking like this. He may be begging his way home, but he didn’t need to look like the garbage he felt.

In his office, Thorin waited for his nephew to hang up before setting the receiver back onto the base. Dwalin was staring at him with a tilted head, and Thorin gave him another smile.

“Fili’s coming home,” he announced. His mate lifted an eyebrow and leaned back in the chair across from Thorin, his large build taking up the entire seat.

“Really? I thought he never wanted to see you again?”

Thorin shrugged, unable to get rid of the smile on his face.

“Things change, I guess. People change. Now,” he leaned forward, crossing his arms on the table as he smirked at his mate. “About those dinner plans…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so the healing begins. 
> 
> Comments are absolutely adored, and make me squeal with happiness.


	5. Reunions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _This is so hard for me to find the words to say_   
>  _My thoughts are standing still_   
>  _Captive inside of me, all emotions start to hide_   
>  _And nothing's getting through_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter fought me the entire way through, so I apologize in advance if it's confusing or just horrible in general.

“Flight 354 to LaGuardia airport, now boarding. Last boarding call for flight 354 to LaGuardia."

Fili cursed, panting as he grabbed his shoes and bolted across the airport. Today was just not his day. First the truck had been late, then the moving company had been short a person, so Fili had ended up helping them load the truck just to make it go faster. Then he hadn’t been able to find his car keys – they had been on top of a box, and dropped outside in the grass that desperately needed to be cut – and by the time he got the airport, his flight was leaving in less than an hour. Check-in had sent him panicking when they couldn’t find his ticket, which resulted in a call to Thorin to verify the purchase. 

By the time Fili had gotten to security, they were already calling his flight number. Thankfully, when he told people that that was his flight being called, many of them let him skip forward in line to make it through, and now he was sprinting through the crowd towards the gate.

“Wait!” 

The stewardess was closing the door when the gate came into view, and Fili forced himself to go faster, his carry-on bag bouncing off of his lower back as he ran.

“Wait! Please!”

He ran up to the gate, panting hard as he held out his boarding pass, and the stewardess offered him a sympathetic smile.

“Almost didn’t make it, Mister Durin,” she said, scanning the pass before handing it back to him. “Have a nice flight.”

“Thank you,” Fili nodded, taking the pass and heading down the ramp that led to the plane. He was still breathing heavily when he boarded the plane, and he shivered in the freezing cold air conditioner. Why were these things always so cold? Shifting his bag so as not to hit anyone, he shuffled down the aisle until he found his seat. There was a lady in the aisle seat with a young girl next to her, and Fili had to double check to make sure it was his row. 

This day just kept on giving.

“Excuse me, ma’am,” he said, waiting for her to turn to him before giving her an apologetic smile and pointing to the window seat, “but I need to get in there.”  
The woman nodded and unbuckled herself so she could stand, and Fili slid into the row, barely knocking the toddler’s sparkly pink and white tennis shoes as he passed. The mom sat back down and buckled herself in once more while Fili sat down and shoved his bag under the seat in front of him before buckling his seat belt as well and leaning back in the seat with a heavy sigh.

“Rough morning?” the lady asked, and Fili had to chuckle, nodding against the seat.

“Yeah, you could say that.”

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Shield law offices was on Broadway, nearly in the middle between Times Square and Central Park. Fili knew he should be paying attention to where the cabbie was going, but the sights of New York City were too fascinating to pay attention to directions right now, and he didn’t mind being a tourist for a while. 

“Shielded law offices, right?” the cabbie asked, bringing Fili back into the cab from where his eyes had been molesting the city sights.

“Huh? Oh, yeah. Thanks,” Fili responded awkwardly, handing the fare forward before climbing out of the cab, which promptly pulled away back into traffic. To his left was an intersection, with some sort of pharmacy he’d never heard of. There was also a small deli/sushi bar and a bank nearby, all of which might come in handy if he didn’t want to wander too far from the offices today. No use getting lost on his first day in the city. 

Turning back to face the two-tone brown building, Fili tilted his head back to stare up at the countless windows that lined the wall of the incredible skyscraper. His uncle’s office was in there somewhere, if he could find it, and then it would be off to find Kili.

Kili. How much has his little brother grown? He’d been fifteen when Fili had moved out, stuck in that awkward teenage phase that was made even worse by his anger over losing his memory, and for the life of him, Fili couldn’t even remember if he’d told his younger brother goodbye. Had he really been that much of an ass?

“Guess we’ll find out,” Fili muttered to himself, adjusting his messenger bag on his shoulder as he shifted through the crowd and pushed open the gold-adorned glass doors. With the help of a secretary and janitor, he finally found the suite in which his uncle’s law offices were situated, and hesitated for just a moment before stepping inside. 

The office was all dark wood that looked like a mixture of mahogany and some other dark wood, giving all of the furniture a slight reddish gleam. There were lamps placed strategically around the room, casting a gentle glow that was a relief after the florescent lighting in the rest of the building, complete with a chandelier that hung from the ceiling in the center of the room. A few people were milling around in leather chairs around the main room, and Fili swallowed as he walked past them to the desk where another secretary sat.

“Hi. I’m looking for Thorin Shields?”

The lady looked up at him, revealing a name tag that proclaimed her name to be Melanie, and gave a small smile.

“Would you happen to be Fili?” she asked, chuckling when the blonde looked surprised. “Your uncle has been anxiously expecting you. He doesn’t have a client right now, so go on in. His office is the first door on the right.”

She pointed down the hallway, and Fili thanked her before following her directions to a door that stated his uncle’s name on a gold-plated plaque. This was it. After ten years, he was finally going to see his uncle again. What was he supposed to say? Should he go in and hug him, or just stand there? Maybe shake his hand? Should he let Thorin lead the conversation, or should he start it? 

Fili chewed the inside of his bottom lip, gaze lowering to stare at the doorknob. First things first… Should he knock, or just go in? Finally he decided to knock first, just in case, and lifted a shaking hand to rap his knuckles against the door. He heard his uncle’s voice inside call to come in, and hesitated for just a moment before turning the knob and stepping into the office.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Thorin was filling out paperwork when someone knocked at his door, and didn’t look up when the person entered the office, closing the door quietly behind him. It wasn’t Melanie, since she never closed the door, but he didn’t have any clients scheduled for another hour, so…

Looking up, his train of thought crashed at the sight of his nephew standing just inside the door, his posture reminding Thorin of a skittish dog ready to bolt. They stared at each other for a few heartbeats, then Thorin found himself pushing up from his chair and crossing the room in quick strides. He wasn’t sure what he was doing, but suddenly he was hugging his nephew, holding the blonde as close to him as possible with no intention of letting go any time soon.

Fili was startled as his uncle embraced him, his body tense, but it only took a moment before he relaxed and wrapped his arms around the older man. The familiar smell of Thorin’s cologne filled his senses, calming him and bringing him back to happier times as they stood there just inside the doorway.

“I’m so glad to see you, Fili,” Thorin said when he finally pulled away, his deep blue eyes swimming with unshed tears. “Look at you,” he commented as he ran a gaze up and down his nephew’s body, “you’re so tall!”

Fili chuckled and nodded, lifting a hand to rake through his hair that had long fallen loose of its ponytail.

“Yeah, had a few growth spurts that were a pain on my wardrobe.”

Thorin laughed, motioning Fili to a chair as he walked to sit in one of the client chairs rather than behind his desk. Fili followed, setting his bag on the floor as he sat down across from his uncle.

“So how are you? How was the flight? Did they give you any more problems?” Thorin asked, leaning forward in the chair with his elbows on his knees. Fili shrugged.

“It was all right after that, I guess. No more problems after the ticket, though I almost missed the flight entirely.”

Thorin nodded. “Well, I’m glad you made it. Did you find the place okay? I wanted to come pick you up, but I had a client who just left about twenty minutes ago.”

“No no, the cab got me here with no problem,” Fili said, waving off the apology as he looked around his uncle’s office. “This is a nice place.”

“Thanks,” Thorin responded, a smile on his face as he subconsciously glanced around the office as well. They fell into a semi-awkward silence, then Thorin jumped as if he’d been pinched and got up to go around his desk. “Sorry, I guess you’ll be wanting to see Kili, right?” he implored, shuffling through the papers for his planner.

Fili nodded. “Yeah, I… I’d like to see him.”

“Of course. Let’s see,” Thorin paused as he looked over the day, then pointed to the book. “Yeah, he’s in court right now, but it’s not closed off, so you can go sit in the courtroom until he’s done, if you want. Then maybe he can show you to the house.”

“Am I staying with you, or him?” Fili asked, playing with the green and silver band on his index finger. The question made him feel like a child again, unable to have his own house, but Thorin’s return comment wiped the insecurities away immediately.

“Both, technically. Kili lives with me,” Thorin disclosed, glancing up to stare at the other. Fili blinked at him.

“O-oh,” he stuttered. “He does? But why?”

Thorin sighed softly and lowered his eyes to write on a piece of paper. “Kili was still having problems for a few years after you left, not being able to remember things, and he needed a lot of help in school because of it.” Fili swallowed, feeling like an ass all over again. “Then when he got to college,” Thorin continued, “we decided it was easier for him to just stay at home than live in a dorm so that I could still help him out. He just graduated last year, and I’m in no hurry to kick him out.”

“That makes sense,” Fili agreed with a nod, reaching out to take the piece of paper when Thorin offered it to him.

“Mhmm.” Thorin walked back around the desk and sat on the arm of a chair. “That paper has the address and room number of the courthouse Kili’s at, as well as our home address. Oh, and here…” He reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet, handing several twenties over to his nephew. 

“Uncle Thorin, I can’t-“ Fili started, but Thorin shook his head and leaned forward to drop the money in Fili’s lap.

“No arguments. You’re my family, Fili, and you’re going through a rough time. Let me take care of you for now, all right?”

Fili swallowed hard against the lump in his throat, but nodded as he carefully gathered up the bills and folded them into his pocket. Thorin sighed and got back to his feet, going over to crouch in front of his nephew so he could see Fili’s eyes.

“You have nothing to be ashamed of, you hear me? What she did to you was wrong and cruel. You worked hard to build a life for your family, and she tore the rug out from under your feet. There is nothing wrong with needing help sometimes. Okay?”

Thorin’s voice was strong, yet gentle as he stared at Fili’s eyes that were so much like his own, eyes that were misting with tears. Fili found himself nodding, and then Thorin’s arms were around his shoulders and Fili was hugging him back once more.

“Thank you, uncle Thorin,” he whispered, feeling Thorin squeeze him gently in response.

“You’re welcome, Fili,” the elder responded as he backed away with a small smile before motioning towards the door. “Now go on; go see your brother.”

Fili nodded and got to his feet, shaking Thorin’s hand with a grateful smile before leaving the office, the piece of paper held tightly in his hand. Back down on the street, Fili hailed a cab and hurried into it.

“Fifth avenue, please,” he requested as he closed the door, his hands shaking with a mixture of excitement and terror, “and hurry…”


	6. Out of Touch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Where'd you go?_   
>  _I miss you so._   
>  _Seems like it's been forever_   
>  _That you've been gone._

The courthouse wasn’t that far away, but the traffic was horrendous, and Fili was beginning to remember another reason why he’d wanted out of the city. Thank god for public transportation, or the entire city would be shut down in a neverending gridlock. After nearly a half hour of sitting at the same traffic light, Fili gave up, paid the taxi driver for the time, and abandoned the cab to walk the rest of the way. Finally he came up on 5th Avenue and looked around, wishing he had a map with him. He did, however, have GPS on his phone, and it didn’t take long for the app to find the address after he put it in. 

Fili strolled down the street, the sounds of the city roaring in his ears as people pushed passed him, always in a rush to get somewhere. Truth be told, Fili should have been hurrying as well, but his anxiety over seeing his brother again slowed his gait. What would Kili say to him? Was his brother mad at him for leaving, or would he just be glad to see him again? How much had Kili grown, if Thorin had thought Fili himself had grown so much? What did he look like now? 

His phone beeped, the robotic voice telling him he’d reached his destination, so Fili turned the app off and slid the phone into the pocket of his jeans. The building in front of him looked like every other building in Manhattan, a mutt of offices that served all sorts of different needs, and Fili once again found himself searching for someone to give him directions once he got inside. Thankfully, he ran into a clerk who not only knew where Kili was, but was able to lead him to the room, and he thanked her repeatedly before she walked away, leaving him in front of the door. Fili could hear a voice inside, deep enough to be masculine but still lilting softly into a softer tone that could almost be mistaken as feminine. He felt bad walking in in the middle of a trial, but Thorin and the clerk had both assured him that it was an open courtroom and that no one would think twice about a stranger coming in, so he pushed open the door and quietly closed it behind himself before turning around to survey the courtroom itself.

The voice belonged to a tall, lean man who was dressed in a fitted black suit that accented his body quite well. Dark brown hair cascaded down to a little below his shoulders, the sides held back by a silver clip that glinted in the harsh florescent lighting. He talked with his hands, mesmerizing Fili as he watched the lawyer deliver what sounded like his closing argument, and it wasn’t until the man turned that Fili suddenly realized why he seemed familiar.

_Kili…_

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“Mister Sellan’s attorney would like you to pity his client,” Kili acknowledged as he walked slowly in front of the jury box, the facts of the case running through his mind like jackrabbits. “He would like you to believe that Mark Sellan is not a criminal, but rather that he is a good man who was himself victimized, and driven to insanity by his wife. He would like you to believe that this insanity is what drove Mark Sellan to get away from his home and go instead to a bar, where he could drink his stresses away.”

Kili shook his head, lifting one hand to point at the ceiling as he stared at each jury member individually before passing to the next. “But his wife was not there at the bar that night. His wife was not there to cause him to leave the bar and go out driving after several beers at that bar. His wife was not the one who made him speed through a neighborhood that had clearly marked signs instructing drivers to be careful and watchful of children.”

He heard the courtroom door open and close, but ignored it, lowering his hand to join the other in its dance as he spoke.

“Mister Sellan’s attorney wants you to feel bad for his client, stating that the guilt of running over a child is enough punishment for his crime, and that his wife’s constant nagging is really to blame,” Kili continued, then paused to motion one arm towards his own client, who sat with tears in her eyes at the table while her paralyzed son sat in a wheelchair next to her. “Tell me, is guilt enough of a punishment for taking a child’s life away? Because one doesn’t have to die to have their life taken away, ladies and gentlemen. You don’t have to be murdered to-“

Kili froze, his words dying in the air as he turned and caught sight of the one person he’d never thought to see again. It had been a decade now, and his memory was still foggy, but the athletic looking blonde in the back of the courtroom was definitely his brother. Fili caught his eyes and gave him the barest of embarrassed smiles, but Kili was too shocked to move, let alone return the gesture.

“Mister Durin? Are you going to continue that statement?” The judge asked behind him. Kili shuddered a bit and swallowed harshly, still unable to tear his eyes away from his long lost brother.

“Sorry, your honor. I...” He trailed off again, and heard a soft murmur start up in the room.

“Mister Durin, either continue your statement, or take your seat,” the judge commanded, finally succeeding in pulling Kili back to the task at hand.

“I’m sorry, your honor,” he apologized again as he turned away from Fili, who had moved to take a seat in the back of the room. “As I was saying, you don’t have to be murdered to lose your life, ladies and gentlemen,” Kili continued, motioning once more to the paralyzed child to his left. “Mark Sellan may not have killed this child when he drunkenly ran him over with his car, leaving him there to die on the street, but you look at him, and you tell me what kind of life he can lead now. You look at him, and you tell me honestly that Mark Sellan did not take away this child’s life.” 

The jury shifted uncomfortably, trying not to stare at the young boy in the wheelchair and his crying mother.

“If you can tell me honestly that you believe this young boy can still lead a perfectly normal life, then go ahead, plead Mark Sellan not guilty,” Kili asserted, stepping forward so he could place his hands on the jury box. “But if you can’t look at this child and believe that for yourself, then you cannot believe that Mark Sellan is innocent of taking that life away. Make the right decision, ladies and gentlemen. Give this boy some sort of hope in the world.”

The courtroom was silent as Kili pushed off of the jury box and returned to his seat, then the judge nodded and glanced at the jury.

“At this time, the jury will retire to discuss their decision. When they have reached their decision, those involved will be called back for the final say. Court is adjourned.”

The gavel fell, and Kili got to his feet, promptly receiving a hug from the woman sitting next to him, which he returned. Fili could see him speaking with her, one of his hands on her arm, before his brother moved to shake hands with the young boy sitting in the wheelchair. The courtroom began to empty, and Fili stood up, but stayed where he was to wait anxiously for his brother. 

At his table, Kili big his goodbyes to his client and her son, giving them both an encouraging smile as she wheeled him away and out of the courtroom. The crowd was leaving, with only a few stray voices left, so he hurriedly packed his briefcase and grabbed his water bottle so he could get out of there as well. He could feel eyes on him, knew Fili was standing in the back of the room waiting for him, and Kili felt his pulse speed up at the thought. His brother was here. After ten years of absolutely zero contact, his older brother was standing in the back of the courtroom, watching him try to put a man in jail. 

Swallowing harshly, he gathered his things and pushed through the small wooden gate to walk up the aisle towards where Fili was standing near the doors. He wanted to say something, but what do you say to someone you hardly know? A simple hello just didn’t seem to cut it. Thankfully, Fili already seemed to realize the awkward tension, and greeted him with a small smile.

“Hey, little brother,” Fili said as Kili walked up, and the latter nodded.

“Hey…” 

An equally awkward silence fell for a moment before Kili cleared his throat. “I um… I’m going to lunch while the jury is out. Wanna come with me?”

Fili took a moment to stare at his brother, noticing the more relaxed state he was in now that court was out, and nodded.

“Yeah, lunch sounds great. I didn’t really get a chance to eat much yet.”

Kili nodded and shifted passed him to push open the door, holding it open for Fili and shifting his briefcase to his other hand so he could loosen his navy blue tie.

“Thorin didn’t tell me you were coming back,” he mentioned as they exited the building and turned left into the crowd. Fili envied the easy way that Kili melted into the chaos, and found himself struggling a bit at first to keep up.

“It was only decided last night,” he offered as a possible excuse. “Maybe he wanted it to be a surprise?”

Kili made a sound like a snort and shook his head. “Yeah, maybe.”

The rest of the walk was silent as they crossed busy streets and pushed through the crowd until they reached a small deli that had an eat-in area towards the back. The man behind the counter greeted Kili by name, and Kili returned the gesture as he led Fili to a booth to set his things down.

“This is a cool place,” Fili commented as he set his bag in the booth and looked around.

Kili nodded, taking off his suit jacket to lay over the back of the booth. “Mhmm. The food’s good, the people are good, and it’s not far from the courthouse. Gotta learn where easy food is with these finicky juries.”

Fili didn’t know how to respond to that, so he followed Kili in silence up to the counter, where he scanned over the available options while his brother ordered his sandwich and drink. Fili followed suit afterwards, protesting when Kili insisted he pay for both of them, but finally relented and followed him back to the booth to sit down.

“So,” Kili said as he unwrapped his sandwich, revealing a turkey and cheese sub slathered with condiments and a few veggies, “where the hell have you been for the past ten years?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on Tumblr for story updates! http://valentineletters.tumblr.com/
> 
> Comments are adored :)


	7. Into Hiding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _You took it with you when you left,_   
> _These scars are just a trace._   
> _Now it wanders lost and wounded,_   
> _This heart that I misplaced._

“You didn’t tell me that Fili was coming home.”

A corner of Thorin’s mouth quirked up at the hidden accusation in his nephew’s tone. There was an underlying frustration lacing Kili’s voice, but it was hiding under a teasing manner that let Thorin know that Fili was nearby, but that he’d be hearing about this later.

“I’m sorry, Kili,” Thorin said, smiling to Dwalin as his mate came back into the office with a travel mug full of coffee from the break room. “It was quite the sudden decision when he called last night, and I didn’t exactly see much of you this morning.”

Kili huffed softly, but knew it was true. He’d only seen Thorin for about five minutes that morning before running off to court, and those few moments had been taken up by talking about the case. 

“Guess I can forgive you,” he said, running a hand through his now loose hair as he looked around for his brother, who was window shopping nearby to give him privacy.

“I would hope so,” Thorin responded with a chuckle, then shifted the phone away from his mouth and tilted his head back to kiss Dwalin, who was leaning over his chair. “I’ll see you tonight?” he asked between the multiple light kisses.

Dwalin laughed at Kili’s impish call of ‘get a room’ through the phone, and nodded. 

“I’ll meet you there at seven,” he assured his mate, then kissed him again and left the office, closing the door behind him.

Thorin leaned back in his chair once the door clicked shut, putting one arm up behind his head.

“So how did the trial go?”

“Yeah, go ahead,” Kili said, his voice muffled like he’d moved the phone away, then sighed softly as he moved it back. “Guilty on all counts,” he responded to Thorin’s question. “The jury wasn’t even out two hours.”

“Impressive. You must have really gotten to them,” Thorin praised, raising an eyebrow at Kili’s dismissive snort.

“I doubt it was me, uncle. That jury had tears in their eyes from the beginning. It’s hard to see a paralyzed kid in the first place, and I may have subtly hinted that they wouldn’t be able to look at themselves in the mirror if they let that ass go free.”

Thorin chuckled and nodded, sitting up and getting to his feet so he could go get more coffee, his own long since cold. 

“It was the defense that needed to feel guilty, Kili, not the jury,” he scolded light-heartedly, and could practically see his nephew shrugging in response.

“Whatever works, right?”

“Was that your only case for today?” Thorin asked, nodding to one of the secretaries as he held the door open for her before stepping into the break room.

“Yeah, I’m done for the day. Just taking Fili around now, showing him the sights… Ya know,” Kili responded in his ear over the sound of a blaring car horn. 

The elder nodded as he poured his coffee. Kili’s voice sounded relaxed, even when talking about his brother, which he would take for now as a good sign.

“How are you two getting along?”

Silence met his question, other than the normal sounds of the city, and he was about to call his nephew’s name when the other finally responded.

“It’s… I dunno. It’s kinda weird, I guess,” Kili admitted, speaking slowly as if he were trying to pick out the right words. “I haven’t seen him in so long, and we didn’t exactly leave off on a good foot, but…”

“He did have his reasons, Kili,” Thorin pointed out, his voice gentle so it wouldn’t sound like he was arguing with the younger man.

“I know, I know.” Kili sighed and paused again, probably raking his hand through his hair. His nephew hated having his hair pulled back if he could help it, mainly because he had a habit of playing with it when he was stressed or concentrating. “It just makes it awkward on my part, you know? I mean, I hardly know the guy other than what I barely remember of you and him fighting all the time after I got out of the hospital, and now he randomly shows up and wants a relationship again? I dunno, it’s just… sudden, I guess.”

Thorin leaned back against the wall as the coffee machine began making a new pot of fresh coffee, his heart going out to both of his nephews. He knew this would be hard on Kili, and understood everything the other was saying, but he also knew how hard it had been for Fili to come back home to them after all that had happened, and was more than willing to give the elder brother leeway where the family was concerned. His concern, though, was that Kili wouldn’t feel the same. More like a son than a nephew, Kili had developed Thorin’s stubborn streak, and sometimes had a hard time forgiving people who had done others wrong. Not that Fili had done anything necessarily _wrong_ to any of them, but Thorin knew that Kili felt his brother had abandoned him when Fili had moved away, and was worried that the younger of them wouldn’t be moved so easily to forgive that hurt.

“Why don’t you take the rest of the day off?” Thorin suggested after several moments of silence passed between them. “You won the case; paperwork can wait until tomorrow. You and Fili spend some time together, all right?”

“Are you sure?” Kili questioned hesitantly. “I can finish the paperwork and then take him home.”

Thorin shook his head and pushed off of the wall to go snag a donut from the box on the table. 

“Nah, spend time with your brother. Show him around the city, help him get used to the subways and whatnot, then go home and get him settled in. He’s staying with us for the time being, until he wants to and/or can move out.”

Kili paused again, most likely mulling over the decisions, then finally sighed into Thorin’s ear.

“Okay, I’ll take the day off. Does this mean I actually have to sleep in my own bed tonight?” he asked with a heavily dramatic sigh that made Thorin smirk, swallowing the bite of donut he’d taken.

“Yes, Kili, you actually have to sleep in the nice, expensive bed you insisted on having.”

Kili chuckled over the line, then pulled the mouthpiece away to say something that Thorin couldn’t distinguish before coming back to the conversation.

“Hey, uncle? I’m gonna get off so we can go shopping, okay? Fili heard about some cool store on the other side of town, and wants to check it out.”

Thorin smiled and nodded, glad that the two were getting along as well as they were.

“Don’t get too lost, all right? And have fun,” he said. Kili muttered something under his breath, then they exchanged goodbyes before hanging up. Thorin slid the phone into his pocket before removing the now full coffee pot and pouring himself a drink, his mind whirling. 

It all seemed to be moving too fast for comfort. Fili coming home so suddenly, showing up with practically nothing. Kili accepting his brother so easily, at least as far as Thorin could tell. He had a bad feeling that the younger was holding back on both of them, and was concerned about how long the other could restrain himself. His mind flickered back to a time when he had found Kili crying in his office after a case where a family had been torn apart by the stupid actions of one of the sons, and when Thorin had asked why the case affected him so much, the answer had stung on a level he hadn’t known existed. It was on that day that Thorin had learned just how much Kili blamed himself for the destruction of their family, for his parent’s deaths and Fili’s abrupt departure, something Thorin had never known until then. 

But for as much as Kili blamed himself, he blamed Fili just as much for abandoning him when he needed his brother the most. Despite not remembering anyone, Kili had immediately tried to reform the relationship he and Fili once had, but the elder would have none of it. Fili pushed his little brother away, locking him out of his room on the rare occasions he was home, and as far as Thorin knew, hadn’t even told his brother he was leaving or even said goodbye. 

Thorin sighed heavily and shook his head, replacing the coffee pot back in the machine before grabbing another donut and exiting the break room. Whatever happened would happen, he supposed. For now, he would be grateful to have both of his nephews together and in one piece.

“So long as they stay that way…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter feels a bit odd to me, but maybe it's just me. Hopefully now I've dragged my muse out of hiding, so no more long waits. On that note, I'm sorry for the long wait, but now it's all downhill from here... More or less ;)
> 
> Comments are loved, and will be exchanged with cookies!


	8. Thin Ice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So my muse took a total hiatus on me. I swear it just hopped on a red-eye flight while I was sleeping and took a vacation in the Bahamas or something. *Whacks it* Didn't even bring me back a present. Hmph. Aaaaanyway, I apologize in advance for the short chapter, but the beginning of the next one just didn't flow properly, so I just made it a new one instead. That one is in the works, and will hopefully get worked on tomorrow before my classes. I'm back in school now, which for some reason means I write more. I dunno. Sooo... Hopefully the chapters will flow more often now, instead of huge chunks of nothingness. Yep. *Nod nod*

The streetlights were on when Fili and Kili came up out of the subway station, each toting bags from the shopping trip. Fili’s moving truck wouldn’t be there for almost a week, and in his haste to move out, he’d only packed less than a week’s worth of clothes to bring with him. Not like he was going to mention that, especially since it would make him look like an idiot in front of his younger brother, but when Kili had asked if he needed anything, he couldn’t hide the problem away. He’d been obviously embarrassed when he’d finally admitted to needing clothes, even more so when Kili insisted on paying.

_“My little brother shouldn’t be buying my clothes, Kili,” Fili had argued, but the brunette had shaken his head and pulled out a credit card._

_“Not technically me, if it makes you feel better,” Kili told him, flashing a charming smile to the cashier. “Thorin texted before and said to use the card for anything you needed.”_

Apparently ‘the card’ was connected to a bank account strictly for emergencies and other mishaps, though by the end of the trip, Fili was amazed the account wasn’t empty or overdrawn.

“Been a long time since I’ve been on a subway,” Fili commented, shifting the bags on one arm. He had insisted on carrying his own bags, letting Kili carry a few only when he’d run out of hand and arm room, and his arms were quite tired. 

Kili nodded a response, continuing the generally silent façade he had been holding up most of the evening. In fact, other than the short argument about money, a few comments about clothes, and a few other questions, Kili had barely spoken to him at all. Now the younger man led him down Henry Street and turned onto another street with a strange name… _“Pierrepont, how the hell do you even pronounce that?”_ … that Fili tried to commit to memory as he followed his brother to the steps of a tall Brownstone house with dark curtains in the windows. Fili stared up at the house as Kili shifted his bags and unlocked the door, and the two went inside.

“Your room is upstairs,” Kili said, turning on a light before dumping his keys on the small entryway table. “We can put your stuff down, and I’ll show you the house.”

Fili nodded. “Sounds great.”

Not even looking at him, Kili closed and locked the door, then walked down the short hallway and up the wooden stairs, leaving Fili behind to follow. At the top, they pull a U-turn and stopped at the first door on the right, which Kili opened. 

“This one’s yours,” he explained, flicking on the overhead light that was centered in a dark wooden fan. “Next one over is mine, and Thorin is at the end of the hall. The door at the top of the stairs is the bathroom.”

Fili nodded again as he stepped into the room, prying the bags out of the indents on his wrist to set them on the canopy bed. Kili followed suit, then stepped back and slid a hand through his wind-tousled hair.

“So um… You want to put stuff away first, or tour first?”

Fili shrugged. He didn’t like being unfamiliar with houses, even if it did belong to family, but he had a feeling his brother wanted to get away. “I think I’m okay for tonight. All else fails, I can wander and find stuff on my own.”

Kili glanced at him, and their gazes held for a moment before he looked away, but not before Fili saw the mix of anxiety and relief in those dark eyes.

“All right,” the younger said after a few seconds, “I’m gonna grab a shower, then, and get to bed.”

“Sorry for keeping you out so late,” Fili offered, but Kili waved the apology away.

“Don’t worry about it. See you in the morning.”

The blonde nodded yet again, feeling somewhat like a bobble-head toy, and shoved his hands into his pockets. He had an urge to hug his little brother, to thank him more officially and maybe apologize for everything that had happened, but he shoved the urge down. Kili probably wouldn’t appreciate it right now anyway.

“Thanks, Kili,” he compromised instead. “It um… It’s great to see you again.”

Kili looked ready to say something, that calm lawyer face dissolving for just a second before he changed his mind and nodded instead.

“Yeah. You, too.”

Then he was gone, leaving Fili staring at the open doorway. He heard the door down the hall open and sighed, turning back to the bags on the bed.

“Welcome home…”


	9. Shadowed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _They started talkin' about steps you take_   
>  _Mistakes you make, the hearts you break_

“So? How was it?”

Kili shrugged from his position leaning back against the counter, then shifted so the edge wasn’t digging into his spine. Thorin had come home while he’d been in the shower, and he’d met his uncle in the kitchen when he’d gone to get tea.

“It was good. We got him new clothes and shoes and stuff.”

Thorin nodded, watching his nephew from the table where he sat with his arms crossed over the dark wood.

“Good. You two get time to talk during all of that?”

Another shrug. Kili stirred his tea, staring down at it like he wished it would suck him in.

“Not really,” he admitted. “He was preoccupied with the sights and shopping, you know.”

Thorin nodded, though he didn’t believe a word of it. Leaning back in the chair, he sighed, then got to his feet and walked over to stand next to his nephew, leaning sideways against the adjacent counter. He hated having to give these talks, and knew Kili hated hearing them, but sometimes they were necessary with his youngest nephew. It hadn’t been law school that taught Kili to hide his emotions so well; he’d been good at that from the start.

“Listen, Kili. I know this is sudden, and I know it’s probably hard on you to have him back in your life, and I really need you to tell me the truth,” Thorin paused to turn his head so his gaze was on the younger man. “Is it actually good? Having your brother back?”

Kili’s gaze flitted to his uncle before returning to his teacup. Thorin watched a hundred emotions flickering over an otherwise neutral face, finally settling on an expression the elder couldn’t read. He waited as the clock over the sink ticked the seconds away.

“Kili?”

The young lawyer sighed finally and nodded, still idly stirring his tea.

“Yeah, Thorin. It’s good.”

“You don’t seem that happy about it,” Thorin pointed out, getting yet another shrug from Kili. One of those days, he was going to tie anchors to the boy’s hands so he couldn’t use those lean shoulders as an answer anymore.

“Honestly?” Kili asked, lifting his head to stare at his uncle.

Thorin tilted his head. “Of course. I always want you to be honest with me.”

Kili nodded with a chuckle so soft that Thorin wasn’t sure it had even been there.

“I don’t really know yet. You know, how it’s going to go. I want this to be a good thing, Thorin. I want my brother back so we can hang out and have fun together and all that other crap brothers are supposed to do, but I can’t. I mean, I hardly remember the guy, other than you two fighting and him walking out on us, and now he shows up after all this time and just pops back into the family fold? What the hell is that?”

“He’s going through a rough time, Kili. He just needs to…”

Kili shook his head, cutting Thorin off. “I know. He just needs to get back on his feet, right? He needs his family around in a time of crisis so he can recover and move on with his life.” He paused, and Thorin’s stomach dropped in expectation of what was coming next. Sure enough, Kili didn’t disappoint.

“I could have used that, too, ya know.”

Thorin opened his mouth to say something, then changed his mind and shook his head instead. Pushing off the counter, he stepped forward to kiss the side of Kili’s head and rub his arm a few times. 

“G’night, Kili,” he said quietly against his hair, feeling the other sigh. When he pulled away, Kili’s eyes were downcast again. Thorin walked away towards the stairs in silence.

“…night, uncle.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know these past couple of chapters have been short, but I'm trying, I promise. So many ideas for this story, and they just won't flow into my fingers. Stupid things D: Thank you all for being patient with me.
> 
> Comments are lurved <3


	10. Masquerades

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Who are you when I'm not around?_   
> _When the door is locked and the shades are down?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters at once? It must be Christmas. 
> 
> "But it's August..."
> 
> >.> Shuddup.

Fili grumbled when his alarm went off, the obnoxious song screaming from his phone like a banshee out of hell. He fumbled for it with his eyes still closed, trying to find the damned thing, and finally surrendered when the song started repeating.

“Shut… up,” he scolded the device, cracking open his eyes just enough to grab the phone and shut off the alarm before closing them again and settling back into the pillow. He’d set the alarm early on purpose, not wanting to seem like a total slacker when the other two probably got up at the crack of dawn, and sure enough he could hear movements in the house outside his room.

Yawning widely, Fili rubbed at his eyes and stretched, filling the room with baby dinosaur noises before relaxing once more and opening pale eyes to the sunlight filtering in through the mostly closed curtains. He lay there for a while, listening to the birds chirping in the trees outside and the sounds of whoever was up and moving in the house, then yawned again and slid out from under the warm covers. 

The closet and dresser were still a bit scarce, since he’d refused to let Kili and Thorin buy him too many clothes when he had a full wardrobe on its way, which made it easy to pick from. Dragging out a pair of blue jeans, he tossed them on the bed before moving to the closet and pulling out a brown shirt that the store clerk had said really made his eyes pop. Fili smirked at the memory of her incessant flirting, the way she’d batted her fake eyelashes at him and repeatedly leaned over so he could see straight down her shirt. As much as he hated people that obnoxious in their flirting, he couldn’t help but be amused.

Fili stripped and dressed, reminding himself that he needed to ask about using the shower later, and stepped cautiously out of his room. The bathroom was near his bedroom, the opposite direction as Kili’s room from his, and Fili glanced both ways before slinking to the bathroom and closing the door. It was ridiculous, he knew, feeling like an intruder in his own family’s house, but he couldn’t shake the feeling of misplacement. He felt like he didn’t belong there, like he really was intruding on their house and their lives, but shoved the thought away as he turned on the water to brush his teeth. All feelings aside, Fili knew he had no other choice. Well, he did, if he wanted to be homeless or bunk on a friend’s couch, but honestly, he liked being home. He liked having his family around, despite how uncomfortable he felt, especially around his brother. 

Sighing to himself, he stared blankly in the mirror as he brushed his teeth, the minty flavor stinging his tongue and clearing his mind. Fili lost himself in the mindless motions, passing the two minute mark he aimed for, and nearly choked himself when the door opened behind him, making him jump. He turned, catching Kili’s shocked expression for just a second before it melted away.

“Sorry,” Kili muttered, stepping back from the bathroom. Fili held up a finger, turned to spit in the sink, and rinsed his mouth out quickly. When he stood back up, Kili was still standing awkwardly outside the door, and Fili offered him an embarrassed smile. 

“Figured I shouldn’t talk while frothing at the mouth,” he joked, trying to break the icy wall between them, and was rewarded with a small quirk of a smile from his brother.  
“Uh yeah, I’d have to call animal control on you. Sorry for walking in… Not used to anyone else being in here.”

Fili waved the apology away as he dried his mouth on a hanging towel.

“Why’re you apologizing? Not like I was on the toilet or something. Besides, it’s your bathroom.”

Kili shrugged and stepped into the room, sliding past Fili as he moved to the counter.

“Your bathroom now, too. You can use whichever towel you want – there are extras in the linen closet between our rooms – and I’ll move my crap so you can have room for your stuff.”

“Thanks,” Fili acknowledged, watching his brother grab a brush to run through his hair, then cleared his throat a bit and shoved his hands into his pockets. “Is uh… Thorin downstairs?”

Kili nodded, setting the brush down and grabbing his toothbrush. 

“Yeah, he’s in the kitchen making breakfast.”

“Great. I’ll um… see you down there then,” Fili said, then slid from the bathroom and headed down the stairs. Kili turned to watch him until the other went around the bend in the stairs, then stared at the empty staircase for a few seconds before turning back to the sink, shoving his annoyance down. There was no reason to be annoyed at Fili’s presence in the bathroom. Fili was his brother, and this was his house, too. They’d shared a bathroom when they were younger, so other than it being a different house, it really wasn’t anything new. Sighing at himself, he put toothpaste on the brush and shoved it into his mouth. This wasn’t going to be fun.

Downstairs, Fili glanced around before turning to head into the kitchen, following the enticing smell of bacon and eggs. Thorin was spooning food onto the plates when he walked in, and gave his older nephew a smile.

“Fili. I didn’t expect to see you up so early,” he commented as he turned back to the stove and shut it off. 

Fili shrugged, not wanting to admit to his insecurities. 

“The smell of good food always drags me out of bed,” he said instead, grinning when his uncle laughed.

“Well, then by all means, eat! I made extra and was going to leave it for you before I left,” Thorin said, turning to hand him a plate, which Fili took. “There’s toast on the table, too.”

“Thanks.” Fili licked his lips as he walked to the table, where the silverware was already set at each place and a plate of toast sat in the center, surrounded by a few jars of jam, a tray of butter, and a small bottle of honey. He sat down at one of the places and grabbed a piece of toast, and was buttering it when Kili came into the room.

“Morning, uncle,” he yawned out as he walked over to the stove, reaching around Thorin to snatch a plate of food. Thorin chuckled out his greeting and turned off the stove, then picked up his own plate and followed Kili to the table to sit.

Several minutes passed with no sound other than silverware hitting plates and an occasional request to pass something before Thorin broke in.

“So, Fili,” he started, taking his last bite of egg and swallowing it before continuing, “anything you’re itching to do?”

Fili chewed his food in silence, feeling Kili’s gaze on him despite the other’s eyes being hidden behind his dark hair, and swallowed.

“Not really. I kind of assumed you two would be working today, so I didn’t really think about planning anything.”

Thorin nodded his understanding and took a drink of juice. 

“Well, Kili’s off today, so maybe you two can spend time together,” he suggested, earning a questioning glance from Kili. “He can show you around, show you where the subways and busses are so you can get around and not get too lost.”

“I don’t want to take up his time, if he wants to chill on his day off…” Fili objected, but Kili shook his head.

“Nah, don’t worry about it. You’ll go insane being stuck in the house all day.”

The comment seemed innocent enough, but Fili caught the long glance Thorin passed to his younger nephew. Fili remembered Kili’s time in the hospital, followed by strict bed rest once he got home. He remembered Kili begging to go outside once he was better, begging to go play with his friends or do something, anything to get out of the house. But Thorin had been too paranoid, too worried that something bad would happen, and Kili hadn’t seen the outside for almost a year by the time Thorin would let him go.

Fili swallowed hard and nodded, lowering his gaze to push the rest of his eggs into a pile.

“That’d be great, then. Thanks.”

Thorin watched his two nephews for a few clock-ticks of silence, then stretched his arms out with a groan and pushed his chair back from the table.

“Well! You two kids have fun while I go slave away at work. Don’t get in too much trouble,” he warned teasingly, earning an eye roll from Kili as the brunette downed his juice.  
“Don’t worry, we won’t burn the whole city down.”

“All right, so long as you leave my offices standing,” Thorin joked, gathering their dishes to take to the sink. Kili sighed dramatically, making Fili grin.

“God, uncle, you’re such a party crasher.”

Thorin chuckled, rinsing the dishes off before sticking them into the dishwasher.

“I know, I know. That’s what I’m here for.”

Returning to the table, he kissed Fili on top of the head, then went around and repeated the motion to Kili, his hand lingering briefly on the latter’s shoulder.

“You boys have fun. I’ll be home after dinner.”

“We’ll save you some,” Kili assured him, and Thorin nodded before walking away. They heard him gathering his things in the living room, then keys jingling and the door opening before Thorin called out his goodbye.

“Bye, uncle.” “See ya later.” They called back, almost in unison, then the door closed, leaving them in silence.

The playful atmosphere that had filled the room slowly drained away, leaving the same awkward tension they’d had in the bathroom earlier. Fili wanted to say something, but his tongue wouldn’t seem to work, so he rolled his glass between his hands instead. Finally, it was Kili who broke the ice with a sigh.

“So, what do you want to do today?”


	11. Beneath the Surface

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _One day I stopped caring_   
> _And began to forget why I longed to be so close_   
> _And I disappeared into the darkness_   
> _And the darkness turned to pain_   
> _And never went away_

They ended up in Times Square, Fili’s eyes wide at the changes that had come around while he’d been gone. Most people, tourists generally, only knew Times Square at night, when the neon lights seemed bright enough to light the entire country on their own. Truth be told, it lost none of its grandeur during the day, though it was more crowded. The city itself never slept; there was never a time when you could walk into the main parts of the city and find them deserted, but during the day, it was almost comparable to the running of the bulls. Once again, Fili found himself struggling to not lose his brother in the crowd, and his shoulders were sore from running into people. Kili moved like a fluid creature, maneuvering around others like water through a rocky riverbed, and Fili found himself wishing he still had that ability.

“How do you not get run over in this city?” he asked when they stopped in a small deli to grab lunch on the go. He was breathing a bit heavy, earning him a glance from Kili as the brunette tried to pick a sandwich from the selections. 

“You just move with the crowd, I guess. You don’t stop suddenly, and you don’t second-guess yourself, because no one in this city has the patience to wait for you.”

Fili stared at him as the other turned back to the glass case. The way his brother said it, it sounded like they lived in a kill or get killed jungle. Granted, there were some areas that were actually like that, but not Times Square. It was true though, to an extent, he thought as he stepped forward to survey the sandwich selections as well. When they had decided to stop in the deli, Kili had immediately stepped forward, cutting people off in the process to get to the small door. Fili, not wanting to be rude and wondering why Thorin allowed that in the younger man, had waited for people to pass. And waited. And waited, until finally Kili had come back and stood in the way of oncoming traffic so Fili could get inside.

“Just seems rude to constantly cut people off, I guess,” he said after a minute of thinking, looking up when Kili chuckled and pointed to a sandwich.

“No one in this city thinks it’s rude except the tourists. Everyone who lives here knows that’s the way of life, and honestly, they consider the tourists to be the rude ones.”

“What, like going to another country and not knowing any of the language or culture?” Fili suggested, pointing to a sandwich as well. “Yeah, that one. No, the roast beef. Yeah, thanks.”

“Exactly. This city is like its own country – you have to know what you’re doing, or you’ll get lost and hurt.”

Kili paid for their sandwiches and drinks, then took the bag from the owner and led Fili back outside. 

“C’mon, there’s a park nearby.”

Within a few blocks, they came across a small park that seemed almost out of place in the middle of the city. It had green grass, beautiful trees, park benches, and even full rod iron tables set around the brick pathway surrounding it. Kili led him towards one of those tables, setting the bag down in the middle of it.

“What park are we in?” Fili asked, looking around at all the kids running rampant on the grass.

“Bryant Park. I figured Central Park was a bit far,” Kili responded as he sat down at the table. His tone had been dry, but Fili had a feeling his brother was attempting to play with him. He joined him at the table, thankfully accepting his sandwich and bottled water, and leaned back in the chair to eat it. 

They ate in silence for a while, both in a hurry to feed their growling stomachs, and finally Fili sighed in content.

“I forgot how nice this city was,” he commented, balling up his wrapper to put back in the bag. Kili nodded and balled up his own.

“Happens when you leave it for a long time.”

Fili took the blow in stride, taking another drink from his water bottle as Kili got up to toss the bag in the garbage before returning to the table. He leaned back in the chair, tossing his hair over his shoulder, and picked up his Pepsi to down half of it. Another silence fell between them, so Fili tried again.

“You probably spent a lot of time out here, huh? Exploring the city and all that?”

Kili’s eyes flashed something Fili couldn’t place, but the bitter look on his face was unmistakable as he capped his soda and set it back on the table.

“Not particularly. When I was finally allowed out of the house, it was only when accompanied by someone Thorin trusted. I ended up having to get a private tutor at home just so I could catch up to the curriculum level I was supposed to be at, and then I had to work so hard in school afterwards that I hardly had any time to myself.”

From most people, the tirade would be considered complaining, but Kili’s voice was nearly deadpan… just stating the facts.

“And then,” he continued while Fili fought to hold his gaze, “when I finally got to a point where I wasn’t struggling with every damn class and had a little bit of free time, there was no one around to come with me anywhere. See, I wasn’t allowed to go out by myself because Thorin was too worried that something would happen, and I was considered the problem student in classes, so I didn’t have any friends to go hang out with. Thorin was working overtime to pay for my medical bills and tutoring, so he took me out when he could, but it wasn’t often, and it wasn’t the same.”

_It would have been nice to have a big brother I could hang out with._ Kili didn’t say the words, but Fili could see them in those dark brown eyes, and finally averted his own down to stare at his water bottle. A million things to say were rattling in his head, but none of them sounded right, so he settled on a simple “I’m sorry.”

Kili’s scoff drew his gaze back up to where Kili was standing up from his chair.

“Yeah, I’m sure you are.”

Fili bit his lip, wanting to argue that he truly was sorry for leaving, but instead he had to jump from the chair to follow as Kili began to walk away.

“What, are you just gonna leave me in the middle of the park?” Fili asked when he caught up to Kili’s fast stride.  
“Thought crossed my mind.”  
The blonde grit his teeth at the other’s simple response, and the older brother in him wanted to reprimand Kili for being so rude.

“Come on, Kee. Are we really gonna be like this? I thought we were having a good time.”

“Don’t call me that,” came Kili’s bitten response, making Fili scoff.

“I’ve always called you that, man. Remem-” he cut the word off, but too late. Kili whirled around in the middle of the foot traffic to pin Fili with a glare that should have withered the plants nearby.

“In case you haven’t noticed, I don’t really remember much. You know what I remember?” Fili swallowed, knowing better than to answer the acidic question. “I remember waking up in a hospital with no idea who or where I was. I remember you avoiding me because you couldn’t stand to see the lost look in my eyes. I remember watching our father die, a man I hardly even knew enough to understand why I was so upset about it. I remember moving in with Thorin, and you two arguing every day because this wasn’t the life you wanted. Well guess what, asshole? You got out of the life you didn’t want and left me behind to rot. You think I wanted this life? You think I wanted to have to relearn everything about myself and my family, and wonder every day what else I’m still missing? You think I wanted the guilt of knowing it was my fault our mother was killed?!”

“Kili, it wasn’t your-” 

Kili shook his head at the interruption. “It was me who asked her to go out. It was me she was talking to instead of paying attention to the road. But it doesn’t matter now, because she’s dead, and I’m a fucking shell stuffed with memories that don’t even feel like mine. So don’t come here crying about how your life was ruined and how you’re having such a hard time dealing with your divorce, and don’t expect me to be here for you to cry on when you couldn’t even spare me a goddamn second of your so called ruined life!”

The last word rang in Fili’s ears as Kili turned and fled from him, quickly getting lost in the swarming crowd. Fili knew he should follow, knew he’d be hopelessly lost if he didn’t keep up, but his feet wouldn’t move. He wanted to call to him, to apologize and explain himself, but his tongue couldn’t form the words. Was all of that really how his brother felt? That it was his fault their mother died, and that Fili had abandoned him? 

Looking back, he tried to see those few short years from Kili’s perspective, and swallowed hard at the thought of how hard it must have been trying to understand the chaos around everything. He’d known Kili was suffering, but as a kid himself, Fili had been too caught up in his own emotional wreckage to even notice. The loss of his mother, the near loss of his brother and the total loss of Kili’s memory had taken their toll on Fili, and when combined with the death of their father, whose health had already been declining and causing the family stress for some time, Fili couldn’t take it anymore. He had wanted out, had wanted away from the lost eyes of his brother, the grieving, angry eyes of his uncle… away from it all.

And so he’d left, thinking only about the relief of leaving behind all the mud and not realizing what else he was leaving behind.  
Someone ran into him, shoving him forward so that he stumbled into another person before catching his footing, and it snapped him from the daze he’d fallen into at Kili’s harsh words. The city buzzed around him, the unfamiliar area they had walked through on the way to the park, and Fili suddenly realized the predicament he was in. Swallowing hard, he stepped into a small shop and asked the store owner where the nearest subway station was, but the man’s English was horribly rocky, and neither of them could understand each other well enough to help at all.

He stepped back out onto the street, taking to asking people who walked by, but no one would help other than point in a general direction without even breaking stride. Fili was growing frustrated as the streets passed by, numbered streets that meant nothing to him as he tried to remember the streets they had travelled on to get to Times Square. He remembered a few of them that he had committed to memory in case he wanted to retrace their steps, but couldn’t find those streets anywhere. In fact, the numbers seemed totally off of what he remembered, and he had to turn around when the city around him started looking worse and worse. 

After a few hours, things started to look familiar, but his hope vanished when he realized he was right back in Times Square where he had started.

“This is great. Just… freaking… great.”

Fili sighed heavily, running a hand through his hair, and finally pulled out his cell phone to dial Thorin’s number. He thought of calling Kili, but decided not to activate that bomb again right now, instead hoping Thorin could just give him directions to a subway station that would take him home.

“Hey, uncle, it’s Fili,” he said when Thorin picked up the phone. “Nothing’s… well, okay yeah something’s wrong.” Fili swallowed and looked around as his uncle asked what had happened. “…I’ll explain later. For now, can you just tell me how to get home?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love you all? <3


	12. Waves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _So much uncertainty_   
> _I don't like this feeling_   
> _I'm sinking like a stone_   
> _Each time I try to speak_   
> _There's a voice I'm hearing_   
> _And it changes everything_

_“I’ve always called you that, man. Remember?”_

The unfinished question rang in Kili’s ears as he paced his room, arms crossed tightly over the chest of his worn-out hoodie. It was far too big for him, the bottom falling almost to his knees and the sleeves almost a foot too long, but Thorin never made him get rid of it. The hoodie had belonged to his father in college, and thought Kili had no real memory of him, the hoodie itself comforted him nonetheless. 

_“Remember? Remember?”_

Tears of frustration welled in his eyes as he paced a tight circle over the carpet. Window, door, window, door, back and forth, back and forth. How could Fili ask him that? How could he be so oblivious as to ask if he remembered a nickname from their childhood, a childhood he didn’t know anything about? How could he be so careless?   
A tear slid down his cheek, but he ignored it, letting it slide to his chin and drip to the floor below. 

_“I’ve always called you that.”_

Funny how Fili had seemed almost hurt at the notion that Kili wasn’t responding to his supposed nickname. But how was he supposed to know? How could he remember a nickname he’d never heard before today? Fili hadn’t spoken more than fifty words to him in the few years between the car accident and Fili’s abrupt departure, and that name had never come up. Follow up that with the ten years his brother had been gone with no communication whatsoever… How dare he come back and call him some nickname from all those years ago, expecting him to remember?!

Another tear followed the first one’s path, racing with the one carving a new trail down his other cheek. Kili sniffled, finally stopping the frantic pacing to bow his head, and closed his eyes as more tears followed. 

There were some things he remembered, like Fili’s avoidance and Thorin’s constant tired manner. He remembered the grief of losing their father, though at the time he’d had no idea what was going on. He remembered going through therapy, both for his memory and for the trauma. He remembered hating his first therapist for getting mad at him when he couldn’t bring memories back. He remembered Thorin storming in there after Kili had come out of one session in tears, hating himself for not remembering their mother. Because that had been one of the hardest parts of all. Deep inside, he felt an unimaginable pain of guilt over his mother’s death, and yet he couldn’t even remember her. He knew her face in pictures, had heard her voice in the home videos Thorin had shown him, but he couldn’t truly remember her, and he hated it. He couldn’t remember the smell of her perfume, the sound of her singing him to sleep, the feel of her gentle touch, or the sound of her calling his name. Fili had those memories, and Kili supposed that was part of his anger. Fili had been so depressed after the accident, and Kili had wanted to lash out at him for it. After all, how could someone be depressed when at least they had happy memories to help them through it? How could his brother be so distraught when he could remember their mother’s face and touch and voice? 

A quiet sob wracked Kili’s body, his arms snaking around to hug himself tightly as tears slid past his clenched eyes to fall to the carpet below. He could feel the emotions building again, feel them rising up, threatening to overwhelm him, threatening to knock him down and drown him. Already he could feel the tides rising, could feel his heart rate increasing and his breathing becoming harsh…

Guns ‘n’ Roses began blaring through the room, making him jump with a startled gasp. His phone lay lit up on the bed, screaming out guitar riffs without a care in the world, and Kili quickly wiped his face as he grabbed the phone to answer it.

“H-hello?” he asked, voice slightly shaky as he tried to calm himself down.

“Kili? Where are you?” 

Kili swallowed at Thorin’s worried tone, hearing the anger lacing the edges of his concern.

“I’m home…” he replied. Turning away from the bed, he wrapped his free arm around his own stomach and began a slow pace again, this time in a wider circle that covered his entire floor.

“You do realize you abandoned Fili in the middle of the city, right?”

It was a rhetorical question, and Kili swallowed hard before answering.

“I… y-yeah, I know…”

“I had to give him directions for how to get out of Times Square, Kili, and that was after he’d already tried to figure it out on his own. Do you realize all of the places he could have ended up? What the hell were you thinking?”

_“That I had to get away before he saw me crying…”_

Tears welled in Kili’s eyes again, but he bit his tongue and refused to let them start up again.

“We got in a fight, Thorin. I just… I had to get away.”

Kili had always hated confrontation, which was why Thorin had been so surprised when the young man wanted to go into law, but at least nastiness was somewhat tuned down in the courtroom, and generally the opposing lawyer didn’t mean what he or she said. It was usually just for show.

Thorin sighed on the other line, and Kili could picture him running one hand over his forehead like he always did when he was stressed.

“…I’m sorry, uncle,” he said quietly, bowing his head again, and hearing Thorin groan softly.

“Yeah, I know. Is your brother home yet?” Thorin asked. Kili bit his lip, dreading telling his uncle that Fili hadn’t shown up yet, and was about to get up the nerve when he heard the front door open. Sighing in relief, he nodded.

“Yeah, he just walked in.”

“Good,” Thorin declared, relief evident in his voice. “I want you to go down there and apologize, Kili. Make sure he’s all right. You gave him a hell of a scare leaving him out there like that, and me, too.”

Kili nodded, gnawing on his lip anxiously. He could still feel the fringes of the tidal wave from before, growing closer with the thought of confronting his brother again.

“I’m sorry, Thorin. I guess I kinda assumed he knew his way home from before…” he began to explain, but Thorin cut him off.

“It’s fine now, Kili. Fili is safe, you’re safe, and right now that’s all I care about,” the elder admitted. “But we’re having a conversation later, because despite what you said this morning, things are obviously not fine with him being back.”

Kili didn’t answer, just nodded and glanced towards the door. Thorin took the silence in stride and sighed.

“Go talk to him. I’ll be home after dinner.”

“Bye, uncle…”

“Bye, Kili.”

Kili hung up his phone and lifted the bottom of the hoodie to slip it into his jeans before letting the fabric fall back down. He thought about taking the hoodie off, thinking Fili would see him as ridiculous for wearing it, but decided he didn’t care and left the room with his arms wrapped around his stomach again. 

Fili was in the living room, leaned forward on the couch with a glass of water in his hands that he was staring down into. Kili bit the inside of his lip, all words suddenly abandoning him, and settled for clearing his throat quietly to break the silence. The blonde turned to stare at him over his shoulder, then got up quickly and turned fully to face him.

“Kili. Hey, I… listen, man, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that,” he rambled off, his eyes as apologetic as the words coming from his mouth. The apology took Kili by surprise, and he stood there for a moment, at a loss for words.

“I… it… it’s fine. I um… I’m sorry I left you in the city alone,” Kili finally responded, and Fili shrugged.

“It wasn’t exactly fun, I’ll admit that, but it wasn’t horrible, either. Still alive.”

Kili shuddered a bit, wondering if Thorin would have killed him had he been the cause of Fili’s death, too. Not wanting to think about that possibility, he shoved it away to the back of his mind, where he was sure it would revisit him later in his dreams.

“So uh… are you hungry?” he questioned awkwardly, shifting on his feet as his hands played with the ends of the hoodie’s sleeves.

Fili shrugged again, reminding Kili of himself and making him wonder how many other quirks they had in common.

“I could eat.”

Kili nodded and glanced at the kitchen, but decided he didn’t feel like cooking and glanced sheepishly back to Fili.

“…how’s pizza sound?”

Fili grinned. 

“Pizza sounds fantastic.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Having time before classes does wonderful things for my muse. Or maybe that's the sleep deprivation. Or the caffeine. *Shifty eyes*
> 
> My muse loves comments! And cookies! And apparently lots of caffeine...


	13. Guilt and Regrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Do you really have everything you want?_   
>  _You can't ever give somethin' you ain't got_   
>  _You can’t run away from yourself_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Small note... This chapter was slightly edited because I'm a ditz and screwed up the timing of the storyline. In here, I had Dwalin visiting on lunch break when it should have been dinner. This chapter is running parallel to the end of the last chapter, starting from the end of Thorin and Kili's phone conversation, so while Kili went downstairs to talk to Fili about dinner, this was going on at the other end. Sorry for the confusion! *Mutters something about editing failures* ^^;

Thorin hung up the phone and sighed heavily, leaning back in his chair to rub his hands over his face. This whole arrangement was going to hell in a hand basket, and fast. He’d been so happy when Fili had called, asking if he could come home, and even more thrilled when his nephew had actually shown up, but now he wasn’t sure about his decision anymore, and he hated it. How could he even be thinking that his eldest nephew being there was a bad thing? How could he look at his nephews, both of whom had suffered horribly, and choose a side? Short answer was that he couldn’t. It didn’t matter what special place Kili held in his heart due to the accident and their resulting time together; Fili had suffered just as much, albeit in a different sense completely. Thorin knew he had favored Kili after the accident. Kili had needed more care, after all, had been the one in the hospital and been the one waking up screaming from night terrors that hadn’t ended upon waking up. 

Those nights after Kili had come home from the hospital had been a living hell, with the young boy waking up the household every night screaming because of the nightmare and the fact that he didn’t know where he was. There had been days when Kili hadn’t come out of his room in the morning, scared to be around the people he didn’t know. Thorin was the only one Kili recognized for a while, and only because Thorin had been there nearly every day of his hospital stay. He’d taken off of work as much as possible, working on his laptop or from the hospital phone while Kili lay in a coma beside him, and Thorin had been the first one Kili had seen when he’d finally awoken. It was Thorin who had brought him home and shown him the house, who had helped him find his toys again and reintroduced him to his favorite books. It was Thorin who had hugged him and held him during the harder times, who had let his young nephew accompany him to work when Thorin finally returned to work. And it was Thorin who had not only helped him alongside a tutor to get his education back on track, but had fully paid for and supported Kili’s education when he caught up and moved on. How could Kili not have a special place in his heart after that?

Sometimes Thorin felt guilty for spending so much time with Kili, feeling like perhaps he ignored Fili, and that perhaps his overlooking of the older nephew had caused the disdain Fili felt for him in later years. Had he turned a blind eye to the elder? How many times had Fili wanted to spend time with him, needed to spend time with someone, and Thorin had been unavailable?

And yet he knew it wasn’t completely true. There had been days where he’d taken both boys on trips, such as the zoo or the park or the toy store, and while he’d had to keep a more watchful eye on Kili, Fili had been the one who benefited more from their trips. And on the days when Thorin was off work and Kili was locked away in his room or with his tutor, Thorin made sure to spend the time with Fili. His work had suffered a bit, making him work twice as hard on days he was there, but family had come first in those years, and his business had survived the ordeal. 

On top of that, Thorin’s mate had been around to make sure the boys were cared for when Thorin himself wasn’t available. Dwalin had been a miracle during that time, a grace that Thorin knew he could never fully repay. While the lawyer was busy caring for his nephews and his work, it had been Dwalin who made sure that Thorin ate during the day and slept at night. It was Dwalin who was there when Thorin broke down at the news of his sister’s death, and Dwalin who had been his rock during the rough points of Kili’s recovery. His mate had also made sure that Fili always had someone to talk to, keeping his phone on even during work to take the boys’ calls whenever he needed. Whenever Fili had needed someone, Thorin knew his mate had been there for him when he himself couldn’t, and he was eternally grateful for that offering.

Now Dwalin sat across from him, visiting on his early dinner break, watching the other with a slightly concerned expression as Thorin rubbed at his face still.

“Trouble in paradise?” he asked, and was answered by another sigh as Thorin lowered his hands, letting them drop to catch his fingers on the edge of his desk.

“Fili and Kili went out today to spend time together and show Fili the city, and they got into a fight,” he explained, sitting up to shuffle some papers on his desk. “I don’t even know what, but apparently Kili got upset and abandoned his brother in the middle of Times Square. I swear, I’m going to strangle that boy.”

Dwalin chuckled, and the unexpected response caught Thorin off-guard.

“…am I missing something? What part of that was funny?” 

His tone was slightly ruffled, but the bigger man brushed it off.

“That threat is what’s funny,” Dwalin mused. “You’d never touch a hair on that boy’s head, and you know it.”

Thorin muttered under his breath as he lowered his gaze and continued shuffling papers.

“It’s tempting sometimes. How could he just leave him there, Dwalin? In the middle of the city? You know how many bad places he could have ended up in, and then what?”

“And then Fili would have taken care of himself,” Dwalin interjected, watching the other huff and fluff. “Fili and Kili are both grown men now, Thorin. They don’t need eternal protection.”

Thorin exhaled sharply and nodded, lifting one hand up to rest his forehead on it, his elbow on a stack of folders below.

“I know,” he conceded quietly. “I just… the thought of even the possibility of losing Fili after he just got here, after all that happened…”

“Thorin,” Dwalin interrupted the train of thought with a sigh, then got up from his chair and went around to wrap his arms around his mate from behind, pulling him back to lean against the chair as he held his shoulders. “Nothing is going to happen to your boys. So they had an argument. So Kili took off. You know that’s his defense system, and I’m sure he feels bad about it now that he’s cooled down, right?”

Thorin nodded, turning his head to rest against Dwalin’s arm.

“He does, and I know that’s what he does when he’s upset, I just…”

“No, none of that,” Dwalin interrupted again. “No 'just', no buts, nothing. Fili is fine, and your boys will be fine.”

“Yeah…” Thorin sighed out softly, closing his eyes briefly when he felt a soft kiss atop his hair.

“Good. Now I have to get back to the site before they have a hernia on me. Can I come over tonight?”

Thorin smiled and tilted his head back to look up at the imposing figure above him.

“I was going to ask if you didn’t.”

Dwalin chuckled and leaned down to kiss him, letting it linger before backing away.

“See ya tonight.”

“Bye, love,” Thorin responded with a nod as Dwalin walked away, waving before closing the door. 

Sighing softly, he glanced at the clock on the wall and repressed a groan. Three more hours, and then he’d have to go home and talk to Kili. Sad that he was dreading talking to his nephew, but with a situation as delicate as this one was, it would either be peaceful, a crisis, or the next apocalypse. Because no matter what Kili said now, Thorin knew things weren’t all right between his nephews, and despite Dwalin’s optimism about how it would turn out, Thorin couldn’t ignore the nagging feeling in the pit of his stomach. He was worried, worried that they wouldn’t get along, that perhaps it had been too long, that the pain had been too much. And what would he do then? What would Fili do? 

Thorin groaned to himself and put his face into his hands again, letting the train of melancholy thoughts pick up speed, and jumped when his intercom buzzed.

“Mister Shields?” his secretary’s voice rang out. “You have a client on line three.”

Saved by the bell. 

“Thank you, Melanie,” he responded, then sighed and picked up the phone before pressing the button to take the call.

“Shield law offices, Thorin Shields speaking.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slowly but surely. I enjoy dragging things out a bit, because otherwise they fly through one after another, and it feels too choppy. So uh... Yep. Comments are lurved <3


	14. Perfect Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Some things we don't talk about_   
>  _Rather do without_   
>  _And just hold the smile_

Dwalin was waiting outside when Thorin got home. Walking down the street, Thorin could see the ridiculously tall man leaning back against his car, arms crossed over his chest with his long legs crossed at the ankles. He was definitely a sight, and Thorin was grateful for the chance to drool over his mate for a few minutes while the latter wasn’t paying attention. Unfortunately, lost in his own little world, he didn’t notice the fallen branch on the sidewalk and stepped on it, snapping it in half with a crack so loud that he and Dwalin both jumped nearly a foot off the ground. Dwalin cursed, pushing himself off the hood of the car, but relaxed when he saw a very flustered Thorin crouching down to pick up the file he had dropped. Thorin heard a chuckle, then a shadow fell over him and a large hand was helping him pick up the papers.

“Hello to you, too, babe,” Dwalin’s deep voice muttered, followed by another chuckle at Thorin’s grumbling.

“Surprised no one called the cops about a gunshot yet…” Thorin mused as he and Dwalin stood up, thanking his mate as he took the papers from him with a long exhale. “So why aren’t you inside?”

Dwalin shrugged one shoulder and put his arm around Thorin’s shoulders to hug him quickly.

“There was no blood seeping out the door, and I didn’t hear any screams, so I figured I’d wait out here for you.”

Thorin blinked at the explanation, then shook his head and walked away to lead up the stairs to the front door.

“I don’t believe I even need to comment on the absurdity of that statement.”

Dwalin’s baritone laughter flowed into the house as Thorin opened the door, the two of them stepping inside to find the brothers on the couch. A movie was playing – _One of Kili’s favorites_ Thorin noted – but both of the boys turned towards the noise when Thorin and Dwalin came inside. Something flashed on Kili’s face, but he masked it quickly and nodded his greeting.

“Hey uncle, hey Dwalin.”

“Hey, birdy,” Dwalin replied as he shucked his coat and tossed it over an armchair. Fili raised an eyebrow.

“Birdy?” he questioned curiously. Kili blushed slightly, but was grinning while Dwalin explained.

“Yeah,” the larger man said with a short laugh, “When he was younger, I took the brat here to the park as an escape from his studies, and told him to stay nearby where I could see him. So what does he do?”

“He leaves, of course,” Thorin put in with a grin of his own as he loosened his tie and kicked off his shoes. Dwalin nodded.

“Exactly. Suddenly he’s gone, and I can’t find him anywhere. Of course I’m freaking out, wondering how many ways Thor’s gonna kill me if I lose his baby nephew, and I’m yelling and calling for him all over that goddamn park…”

“It was a rather big park…” Kili added with a giggle.

“…And just as I’m about to call the cops to come help me, I hear this little voice calling my name. I turn around, and you know where he was?”

Fili figured it was a rhetorical question, but he shook his head anyway.

“He was up a damn tree!” Dwalin exclaimed, sending Kili into laughter and Thorin into a smirk that said he was just barely restraining his own laughter. “Up a goddamn tree, all the way at the top where I couldn’t reach him!”

Fili glanced at his brother, who was still giggling maniacally, and couldn’t help but laugh as well.

“So the birdy thing is because he was in a tree?” he asked, but Dwalin shook his head.

“Oh no, that came from me asking what the hell he was doing in the tree, and him responding that he was a birdy and he was gonna fly away. Straight up honest, too. I go underneath and look up at him, and the next thing I know, he’s jumping from the branch! Jumped. Off. The branch! From the top of the tree!”

By this time Kili was in hysterics, and even Thorin was laughing as he walked away to clean out his lunchbox. 

“If I hadn’t been standing in that spot, he would have been a birdy pancake,” Dwalin continued, obviously distressed still over the encounter. “Miracle he didn’t hit every branch on the way down and knock himself unconscious, but somehow he ended up in my arms, and then while I’m standing there in a panic, he starts cheering and laughing and – get this – HE WANTS TO DO IT AGAIN!”

Kili wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand. “It was fun!” he protested between laughter, but Dwalin just shook his head.

“Oughta killed you myself right there, I swear to God.”

“And I would have been forced to kill you back,” Thorin jibed back, grinning as he walked back into the living room.

“Yeah, right,” Kili giggled, forcing a grin out of his brother. Fili didn’t know what it was, but Kili’s laughter was downright contagious.

“Oh, fine,” Thorin sighed out dramatically as he pulled his hair from its ponytail and shook it loose. “But I would have at least hurt him.”

Kili and Dwalin both snorted their disbelief, but didn’t say anything further on the subject.

“SO, that’s why he’s my birdy,” Dwalin finished off, getting a nod from Kili.

“And I’ll never live it down.”

“Nope.”

Dwalin and Kili shared a grin, then Dwalin walked over and grabbed Fili’s hand to pull him off of the couch.

“And you… I haven’t seen you in forever, boy. How’ve you been?”

Fili returned the tight hug the larger man had pulled him into and shrugged when he’d been released.

“Good and bad, but better now.”

Dwalin nodded his understanding, having heard it all from Thorin, and clapped the blond on the shoulder as he glanced to his mate.

“Mind if I kidnap this one to go chat? We got a lot to catch up on.”

Thorin shook his head and motioned at them with one hand.

“No no, by all means. Kili and I need to talk anyway.”

A silence fell almost instantly, Kili’s laughter subdued with the reminder of the earlier events, and got off the couch to begin clearing his and Fili’s dinner plates. Dwalin noticed the awkward silence and nodded, clapping Fili’s shoulder again.

“Come on, lad. Let’s go upstairs and talk, yeah?”

Fili glanced between Thorin and the direction Kili had gone, then nodded.

“Uh, yeah. Yeah, we can go to my room.”

Dwalin nodded and guided him towards the stairs, catching Thorin’s grateful glance and returning a nod. Once they were upstairs and Fili’s door was closed, Thorin sighed. At least they’d gotten to have fun before doomsday.

Running a hand through his hair, he shook loose the dark waves and followed Kili into the kitchen, where he found his nephew slowly rinsing plates and loading them into the dishwasher. Kili didn’t look up when Thorin walked in, but he could tell the younger man was tense.

“You know, I’m glad you never tried that birdy stuff with me,” Thorin commented, trying to ease into the conversation. “I don’t think I would have been able to catch you as easily.”

Kili smiled, but it was slight and somewhat forced. He checked the dishwasher once more, then grabbed one of the soap packets from under the sink and clicked it into the pocket before closing and starting the machine up.

“I knew better than to run away and hide from you. Dwalin was worried, but you would have called in the National Guard.”

Thorin snorted, but didn’t argue. How could he deny it when the thought probably would have crossed his frantic mind?

“So this is where you scold me, right?” Kili continued. Despite the even tone of his voice, Thorin could hear that underlying worry, that guilt he’d come to recognize from all the years of working with his nephew. Thorin sighed.

“I’m not going to reprimand you, Kili. I just… What the hell were you thinking?”

Kili nodded and moved away, avoiding Thorin’s eyes. It was a habit he’d picked up after the accident, and while Kili was better about eye contact now, there were times he reverted back to the avoidant manner, particularly when he was nervous or upset.

“Honestly?” he asked, grabbing a magic eraser to start cleaning the stove. Another habit when he was nervous or upset… Cleaning. “I didn’t want him to see me cry, Thorin. That’s why I took off. It was bad enough being the idiot who can’t even remember his own damn childhood with his brother, but crying over it, too? I don’t need Fili thinking any less of me, thanks.”

Thorin opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Of all the things he was expecting, that hadn’t been one of them. At a loss for words, Thorin realized his mouth was still open, and quickly closed it. Kili was scrubbing voraciously at a stain on the stove that had been there forever.

“Kili, your brother doesn’t think poorly of you…” Thorin started, but was interrupted by a bitter laugh.

“Yeah? You think so?” Kili finally turned to him, dark chocolate eyes swimming with unshed tears. “I can see it, Thorin. I can see it on his face, in his eyes, can hear it in the way he talks to me. He’s still treating me like a child who doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing, and I hate it because that’s all he knows! To him, I was his problematic little brother who couldn’t even remember his own name. I was the one taking up all of your time, the one being teased in school for being the idiot, the dunce, while he stood off to the side wishing he could dissolve into the damn lockers. I was the one getting _him_ teased because his brother was a retard who got lost going to the bathroom. He’s still stuck there, Thorin. Still stuck with the stupid brother who can’t remember shit, because no matter how hard I try to make up for it, I can’t even remember my own nickname!”

The tears were finally falling, and Kili turned away from him again, hand clenching the sponge tightly. Thorin swallowed harshly against the lump in his throat, and, not knowing what to say, stepped forward to wrap his arms around his trembling nephew. Kili tensed, not responding to the hold, and Thorin sighed.

“Come here, Kili…” he muttered, pushing gently at one of Kili’s arms in an effort to spin him around. “Come’ere.”

Kili’s shoulders jumped in a silent sob, but he turned around and wrapped his arms around Thorin’s neck, burying his face into his collarbone. Thorin shifted to wrap his arms around Kili’s waist and back, holding him there tightly while the other soaked his shirt in hot tears. It had been a long time since Kili had cried like this, and he knew the younger would hate the ‘weakness’ later, but for now, Thorin was content to lent him vent. 

The clock above the sink ticked away the seconds, the clicking sound mixing with the sound of Kili’s sniffles and Thorin’s steady breathing. He could feel Kili’s heart racing against his own, but it was gradually slowly as his nephew scrambled for the reins. Finally he backed away, and Thorin reached sideways to grab him a tissue, which Kili gratefully accepted and used.

“That’s why I ran away,” Kili explained, wiping at his nose and tossing the tissue at least in the general direction of the can. Try as he might, Kili could never shoot basket shots at the garbage can. “He called me a nickname, and when I didn’t respond to it, he told me he had always called me that.”

Thorin tilted his head, reaching up one hand to brush a few damp strands of hair away from Kili’s face. 

“We say that, too, Kili. It’s just reminding you, so that you know.”

Kili shook his head.

“He didn’t say it as a reminder, uncle. He… he said he always used to call me that, and asked if I remembered. He caught himself, stopped before he finished asking, but I heard enough.”

Thorin sighed and nodded. Part of him wanted to just scoop Kili up in his arms and forgive him of anything and everything in the world, but he knew he couldn’t do that. Kili was a grown man now, not a child, and he couldn’t have random breakdowns like that to people who didn’t understand where he was coming from. Not only that, but he had endangered his brother when he left Fili in the city, regardless of him getting home safely or not. Fili was an adult as well, and could handle himself, but the act of abandoning him left a black smudge on Kili’s name.

“Okay, look,” Thorin acknowledged quietly, caressing a hand down Kili’s arm as he spoke. “I understand why you got upset. I do, you know I do. But that doesn’t fully excuse your running off and leaving him there to find his way home on his own. You understand?”

Kili nodded, his head bowed. He wiped at his nose again, and Thorin handed him another tissue, which Kili took with a muttered thanks.

“I’m assuming you already apologized to Fili, but I want you to talk to him about this. It’s late now, and you have work tomorrow, but afterwards, you’re going to sit down and talk with him. You can’t go off on him like that when he doesn’t fully understand what went on and is still going on with you. All right?”

Another nod. Kili blew his nose quietly and tossed the tissue away, and Thorin leaned forward to kiss his nephew’s forehead.

“Go on. Go get cleaned up and get some sleep. Want French toast in the morning?”

“Sure,” Kili agreed softly. Thorin sighed and kissed his forehead again, then stepped back to let him pass.

“I’ll see you in the morning, then.”

Kili nodded and sniffled again, then stepped around Thorin to walk out of the kitchen.

“Kili?” Thorin called before Kili reached the stairs. The latter turned to look at him, and Thorin gave him a small smile.

“I love you. Never forget that.”

Kili swallowed visibly and nodded, eyes still glistening from the tears.

“I love you, too, uncle Thorin.”

Thorin nodded, and Kili turned away again to head up the stairs. Thorin sighed, glancing towards the stove, and moved to finish the cleaning job his nephew had started. A door closed upstairs, then another opened and closed before Thorin heard heavy footsteps on the stairs, followed by large hands slipping over his hips.

“How did it go?” Dwalin asked, his voice low in Thorin’s ear. Thorin shivered and tossed the sponge into the basket above the sink before turning in his mate’s arms to face him.

“It went,” he suggested, tilting his head back a bit to stare at the taller man. “It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, and worse at the same time.”

Dwalin tilted his head a bit, then shook it and stepped away to take Thorin’s hands in his own, pulling him away from the stove.

“C’mon. Come upstairs and tell me about it.”

Thorin raised an eyebrow, allowing himself to be pulled towards the stairs.

“Going to make me narrate during that? You have strange fetishes, you know that?” 

The rewarding laughter made Thorin smile as he followed his mate up the stairs. Passing the bedrooms, he could hear rustling in Fili’s room and music playing in Kili’s. Normality. For better or worse, he had his nephews back. Maybe Dwalin was right, he thought as he was pulled into the bedroom and the door was closed. He’d give anything to have his nephews back and normal again, or at least as normal as possible. That thread of fear flickered back up, that worry that the brothers wouldn’t be able to get along again, but then Dwalin was kissing him, and none of it mattered anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look, it's longer! :O Sorry for the confusion in the last chapter, but I did promise to cover "the talk". Of course, it ended up differently than I had originally planned, but ooooh well. Hope you guys enjoyed it either way ^_^ 
> 
> Also, just in case anyone is iffy on my usage of the word "retard", let me say right now that I vehemently despise the use of that word in any situation. The use of that term was Kili's memory of the kids at school calling him that. Maybe it was obvious, but I just wanted to make sure.
> 
> Comments are loved and appreciated, as always. <3


	15. Tornado

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _It's almost like the hard times circle 'round_   
>  _A couple drops and they all start coming down_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to J/K, who has stuck with me through my entire hiatus and encouraged me to continue writing. Thank you for your kind words and your dedication to my work... I can't tell you how much it means to me.

Crickets. Kili hated crickets. They stood outside his window chirping along merrily all night, sounding like they were sitting right on his windowsill. How could anyone sleep through them?! But then he knew how… You just had to be exhausted enough, and while he was tired and weary in every way possible, he just couldn’t sleep. Had he overreacted to Fili’s comment? It was an innocent thing anyway, right? Even Thorin, who had always been overprotective of people hurting or insulting him, had said it was innocent. So why then did it still hurt so much? 

Feeling the ocean becoming rocky again, he rolled over and grabbed his phone off the nightstand before flopping over onto his back again. The light from the screen burned his eyes, but they grew used to it quickly as he glanced at the time – two in the morning – and opened his contacts to find his best friend since… Well, apparently since forever. Ori had been one of the first to come visit him when he’d been allowed visitors in the hospital, and had been the only friend who stuck with him through the entire ordeal, even if he hadn’t been able to come hang out often. One of the few people who had never chastised him or made him feel bad about the incident, Ori was easily his best friend in the world, cliché as it seemed. 

~Hey, you awake?~ He texted, then shifted to prop up his pillows so he could be more comfortable. Texting laying down was hard, and it had only taken dropping the phone on his face once before deciding not to try it again. The phone dinged, making Kili smile as he pulled the blankets up before opening the text.

~Reading. Why are you awake?~

~Because there’s a marching band outside my house. Why do you think?~

The response was an animated emoticon that rolled his eyes at him, followed by another text.

~Can’t sleep again?~

~We have a winner, Fred. Tell him what he’s won!~

~A chance to smack you upside the head when I see you next?~

Kili laughed, knowing Ori would actually take him up on that.

~Careful, I might get my memory back and realize I hate you or something.~

~HA!~

The lawyer grinned, feeling the waves of anxiety slowly soothe back down. Among other things, Ori was also the only one Kili could joke about his amnesia with without feeling horrible about it. He didn’t know what it was about the guy, but his easy-going nature just made him safe.

~So how are things with the brother?~

~Eh. Touchy subject right now, and too long a story to type out here. I’ll tell you later.~

~Fine, fine, leave me in suspense. Though I’m guessing since you haven’t called gushing about how wonderful he is that the story isn’t pleasant.~

~You’re on a roll tonight, Ori.~

~I’m on a roll every night, babeh. I’m just that good.~

This time it was Kili’s turn to roll his eyes as he imagined his geeky friend pushing up the frames of his glasses while texting that. 

~Yeah babe, you ooze that smooth.~

~You know it. Now go to bed and let me finish my book.~

Kili scoffed out a laugh. 

~I see how it is. Book more important then your best friend, huh? Fine, fine.~

~Than* and this is Shakespeare, Kili. Of course he beats you.~

~Yeah yeah. Thanks, Ori… I’ll try and call tomorrow.~

~Good night, Kili. Sleep well.~

~You too man.~

Smiling to himself, Kili placed the phone back on his nightstand and slid down into the covers, pulling his pillow with him. It was almost two-thirty now, so if he fell asleep right now, he’d get about three and a half hours of sleep. Minutes ticked by, and Kili slowly drifted off counting down the lack of sleep he was going to get.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

*BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP*

Kili groaned at the non-stop noise piercing his eardrums and rolled over to smack the alarm, his hand coming to rest on top of it. By the time he’d fallen asleep, he had been down to three hours of sleep, and three hours of sleep just didn’t cut it in Kili’s book. Yawning, he pried his eyes open and lifted the clock to look at it… Then promptly cursed out loud and flew out of bed. It was already six-thirty, and he was already supposed to be leaving. Like now. 

“Shit shit shit shit shit…”

He muttered, scrambling for the suit he had laid out the night before only to find it wasn’t there. Right. Last night. The memory came flooding back of that pleasant experience, and Kili realized he must not have gotten anything ready for this morning.

“Shiiiitt….”

His new motto for the day, drawn out as he stumbled half-asleep to his closet and pulled down a suit and shirt, dressing on the way back to the bed where his shoes were. Tying them quickly, he all but ran to the bathroom only to find it locked and the water in the shower running. Yeah, it was going to be one of those days. Turning away, he ran to Thorin’s room and stole his bathroom instead, using one of the spare toothbrushes and the toilet before running back out and down the hall… Just in time for Fili to come out of their bathroom and almost run right into him.

“Whoa! I thought you left already?” Fili asked, watching his brother nearly fall down the stairs in his hurry.

“Late! See ya later!” Kili called back, grabbing his briefcase and a granola bar from the counter before running out the door. Fili raised an eyebrow and headed towards his room, but hadn’t even made it to the door before Kili came running back in, cursing up a storm.

“Forget something?”

“Keys!” Kili yelled, scrambling around the house until he found them sitting nonchalantly on the coffee table and ran back out the door.

Fili chuckled softly and shook his head. “Have a good day…”

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

It wasn’t going to be a good day. Sellan’s attorney was already inside his office when Kili got there, which irritated him enough, but when he noticed that the pompous man had also helped himself to Kili’s coffee machine AND left a mess on the counter, Kili was ready to kill him before a word had been spoken.

“Mister Durin. I was worried you weren’t coming in today,” he said, his too-high sing-song voice grating on Kili’s nerves more than usual. 

“I’m sure the secretary informed you I would be here,” Kili responded, trying to keep the shortness out of his voice as he went in and tried to set his stuff neatly on the desk, which ended in it being flopped down in a pile of papers and jacket and briefcase instead. The defense attorney raised an eyebrow, and Kili silently dared him to comment.

“Well yes, of course, but I was informed you would be here a half hour ago. You’ll have to forgive me for being worried.”

 _And you’ll have to forgive my foot in your ass as I kick you out the door,_ Kili thought to himself, but instead forced a smile.

“Thank you for your concern. Did you need to speak with me? As you can see, I’m running a bit late this morning.”

“Ah yes,” the other said, placing his mug – _My favorite mug,_ Kili noticed – on the table before getting to his feet with much more effort than necessary. “I wanted to wish you good luck on the case today. The jury seemed a bit hung up when they left yesterday.”

“ _You wish_ … Did they? I thought the crying mother and her disabled son hit home pretty well,” Kili said as he walked to his coffee machine. Caffeine. He needed caffeine. The attorney behind him chuckled in that condescending way Kili had come to hate. Give him a case, any case, so long as this man wasn’t on the other side of it.

“Oh, I don’t know. I think the jury is smart enough to see through that.”

“I guess we’ll see, won’t we?”

“Indeed. Well, thank you for the coffee, though you really should invest in more flavors of cream and different types of sugar. Not all of us like the regular stuff, you know?”

Kili didn’t answer, too busy gripping his coffeepot so he wouldn’t put his fist into the man’s face.

“Toodles!” Came a last sang remark before the door closed, and only then did Kili notice the coffeepot shaking. He set it down on the counter and placed both hands on the edge of the marble, his head bowed as he took a few deep breaths. 

“We’re under control. We’re under control. He’s nothing to you. Don’t let him work you up. We’re under control. We’re under control. Breathe.”

He chanted the mantra over and over until he felt the anger dissipate, leaving him even more exhausted than before. Closing his eyes, he swallowed hard, then opened them again and poured himself a cup of coffee.

“I was wondering where you were.”

The voice made him jump, his coffee splashing up and onto his shirt, burning him nicely and making him curse again. He set the cup back down and reached for a towel, but coffee on a light blue shirt was a little more than evident.

“Kili? You all right?” Thorin came over from the doorway and glanced over his shirt, an apologetic look coming over his face. “Ah, I’m sorry. You have clean shirts here, don’t you?”

Normally yes, but… “No, I haven’t taken them to be cleaned yet,” Kili admitted between gritted teeth. At least he was awake now, but man that hurt.

“Oh,” Thorin said simply, then reached forward to pull Kili’s shirt out of his pants so he could check the skin underneath. “Do you need to see a doctor?”

Kili shook his head and pushed his uncle’s hands away. “It’s fine. It’s not even that hot.” A lie, but he would take care of it later. He was already behind enough. Thorin seemed about to argue, but accepted it with a nod and stepped around to make Kili’s coffee for him. The pride of the younger man wanted to shove his uncle and tell him he could do it himself, but this morning he was just too frazzled.

“Sleep through your alarm?” Thorin asked as Kili walked away, raking his hands through his hair as he nodded.

“Yeah, and I borrowed one of your spare toothbrushes… Fili was in the shower.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Thorin brought over the mug of coffee and handed it to Kili, who took it with a sighed thanks and sat in the chair behind his desk. “You okay for today?”

Kili nodded, sipping his coffee and grimacing when it burned his tongue. What was it, a full moon? “Yeah, I’m fine. Just… I just need to get back on my feet, I guess. Kinda feel like I’m running sideways.”

Thorin chuckled and nodded a few times. “Oh yeah, I know that feeling well. There were a lot of sleepless nights when this firm was getting started.”

 _Partially because of me_ Kili thought, but pushed it away. He didn’t have time for depressing things right now. Glancing at his watch, he nearly spit out his coffee and got back to his feet, muttering his motto of the day once more.

“I’m supposed to be in court in a half hour!”

Tilting his head, Thorin watched his normally almost anally-organized nephew scramble to get his briefcase together. “I thought they were just handing down the verdict today?”

“Yeah well with how today is going, they’ll suddenly chance their mind and need more evidence or something.”

“I’m sure it will be fine, Kili. You had a good case.”

“Could’ve been better,” Kili muttered, then grabbed his jacket and slung it on, buttoning it up. “Does it hide the stain?”

Thorin cringed a bit, then moved over to pull his nephew’s shirt down, tucking it tighter into his dress pants. “Better,” he commented, stepping back again. Kili looked down and sighed, then shook his head and grabbed his briefcase.

“Whatever. No time,” he relented. “I’ll see you later.”

“Bye, Kili. Good luck.”

“Gonna need it,” Kili grumbled as he left the office and scrambled downstairs to catch a cab.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

This could not be happening.

“Do you believe you could come to a verdict with more time?” the judge was asking as Kili stared on in disbelief, his client covering her mouth with both hands as the defense attorney stared at him smugly. The jury thought that maybe extra time would help, but they weren’t sure. The judge looked apprehensive, but agreed. 

“Another twenty-four hours then, and if you cannot break the deadlock, then I’ll be forced to declare a mistrial.”

A mistrial. A mistrial meant more work on top of all the work he’d already done. It would mean having to re-call witnesses and pray they kept their stories straight. It would mean more court dates, and worst of all, more months having to see that arrogant attorney.

“We’ll return tomorrow at the same time. The defendant’s bail still stands. I’ll see you all tomorrow at eight sharp so we can get this done with.”

The gavel fell and the courtroom filled with voices, some relieved, some in disbelief, some angry. His client was asking something, but Kili hardly heard it and had to ask her to repeat it.

“You don’t think they’ll let him off, do you? He won’t get away with this?”

At this rate, Kili honestly didn’t know, but he gave his client the most charming smile he could manage anyway. 

“The jury isn’t blind, ma’am. He won’t get away with it.”

She looked relieved, but her expression quickly turned to anger as she looked at something over his shoulder, and when another voice spoke, he commended her for not throwing up instead.

“Had a feeling they would be hung up, didn’t I tell ya?”

Kili turned and stared at the smiling, arrogant face, and wanted to kill him. With his luck though, this idiot would probably find a way back to life just to be his lawyer. ‘I realize my client killed me, your honor, but you see, he has a mental incapacity’… Yeah, he could hear it now.

“I’m sure they’ll come to their senses soon enough,” he responded instead, glancing at the defendant who was standing behind his attorney. “Hope you enjoy jail food, Mister Sellan. You’ll be eating it for a very long time.”

“I won’t be going to jail,” Sellan argued, narrowing his eyes. “You’re right that the jury will come to their senses, and they’re gonna say that that kid shouldn’t have been out in the street in the first place.”

Kili laughed bitterly. “Speeding in a neighborhood, driving drunk, and nearly vehicular manslaughter? No jury is stupid enough to throw that away, Mister Sellan.”

“I ain’t going to jail,” Sellan repeated angrily, and Kili just shook his head.

“Whatever you say.”

He turned away then, helping his client to get her son out of the courtroom. He could hear Sellan talking with his attorney behind him, but ignored them as their voices faded away in the distance. Any time around them was far too long. Outside the courthouse, Kili gave his client a gentle hug and knelt down to shake the young boy’s hand. 

“He’ll go to jail, kiddo, don’t worry. Okay?”

The boy smiled slightly, but Kili could see his mother’s worry reflected in the boy’s eyes. Hell, it might have even been a reflection of his own. 

“We’ll get him, ma’am,” he assured his client once more as he stood back up. She nodded and wiped at her eyes, then took a shaky breath. There had been a lot of tears, but she was handling the whole thing well, and Kili had to give her kudos for it.

“Thank you, Kili, for everything. You’ve been wonderful, no matter what happens.”

He smiled and thanked her, giving her one last hug before she wheeled her son away. Kili watched, making sure she made it down the ramp safely, then started down the stairs towards the sidewalk. There was commotion behind him, raised voices, but Kili ignored it. Lots of angry people at courthouses. Only when the screams started did he turn around, and his eyes went wide at the sight of Sellan standing on the steps holding a gun.

“I ain’t going to jail cause of you!” he cried, shoving at his own attorney with his free hand. “You hear me?! I ain’t going to jail!”

Kili didn’t even have time to respond before the explosion happened, and suddenly he was stumbling backwards down the last few steps, holding his stomach where a blood stain was replacing the coffee on his shirt. There were a lot of screams now, and police officers rushing towards the man, but before they could reach him, Sellan turned the gun on himself, put it into his mouth, and fired. More screams, but Kili just stared as the defendant collapsed on the staircase, revealing his petrified lawyer covered in blood and brain matter and bits of bone. 

_Serves you right, you arrogant ass…,/i > Kili thought to himself, but then his eyes rolled back and he crumpled to the sidewalk, the sounds of sirens lost on deaf ears._


	16. Different Strengths

Thorin was in a meeting when he heard the news. He was on the verge of convincing a defendant to take his plea bargain to save himself, his family, and the courts some grief when an officer poked his head in and asked for Mister Shields. He was busy at the moment, Thorin informed him, but stood instantly when the officer explained that it was his nephew.

“Fili? Kili? What happened? Are they hurt?”

The officer motioned him to the door and Thorin went, grateful to the uniform for not relaying his personal family business in front of the others. There had been an incidence at the courthouse, the officer told him. The defendant in Kili’s case had snapped and shot Kili before turning the gun on himself. Kili was alive and on his way to the hospital now. No, he didn’t know his condition, and he was very sorry for that. 

Thorin felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. This couldn’t be happening, not again. Not again. Thanking the officer, he went back in the room and gathered his things, glaring down the protests from the other lawyer.

“My nephew has just been shot, Andrew. You should have taken my offer when it was available. I’ll see you in court,” he said shortly, leaving them bewildered in the room as he stormed out. The officer was still there and offered him a ride, which Thorin gratefully accepted. There was no way he would make it to the hospital in less than a half hour otherwise, and if something happened in that time…

_Don’t think about that. Just don’t. You won’t lose him, Thorin… You won’t lose him._

He texted Dwalin on the way, then hesitated before texting Fili. How would his nephew get there? Fili didn’t know the subways well enough anymore, and Thorin didn’t need him getting lost along the way. But if Kili di… if something happened and Fili wasn’t there, his nephew would hate him. Swallowing hard, he went back to Dwalin’s message and asked him to pick up Fili on his way. Dwalin responded affirmatively, promising to be there as soon as he could get away from work. Construction wasn’t something you could just drop and run, but Thorin knew his mate would find a way to get there soon.

The hospital loomed into sight, but traffic was held up and Thorin couldn’t wait. He thanked the officer again and got his name and badge number so he could give praise to his captain later on, then jumped from the stopped car and ran the rest of the way there. Bursting into the lobby, he went to the receptionist and grabbed the counter.

“Kili Durin. He was brought by ambulance… Where is he?”

The receptionist looked up at him, then checked the computer and nodded.

“He’s in surgery, sir. I can inform the doctor you’re here, though. Are you family?”

Thorin nodded. “Thorin Shields. His uncle… legal guardian. Please.”

“Right away, Mister Shields. Please sign in here,” she said, handing him a clipboard, “and the doctor will be to see you as soon as your nephew is out of surgery.”

He took the clipboard and wrote out his name, Kili’s name, and the date, then thanked the receptionist and went to the waiting area. It was full of people, children playing with toys or curled with their parents, elderly patients dozing off in chairs, a few homeless curled up in the safety of the building… Thorin took them all in, then moved to one side and leaned back against a wall, his head hitting the wallpaper. Kili would be okay; he had to be okay. Thorin didn’t know what he’d do if Kili…

“Stop it,” he whispered to himself, but it didn’t stop his eyes from tearing up at the thought. Too many times had he almost lost his nephew. Too many times. 

Thorin didn’t know how long he stared up at the ceiling until Dwalin showed up, apologizing for taking so long, and Thorin’s watch read almost an hour after he’d last checked it. Fili looked near panicked, which Dwalin was trying hard not to mirror, and Thorin let himself sort of slime into his mate’s arms like a child. Fili was asking what happened and if Kili was okay, and Dwalin tried to shush him, but Thorin shook his head.

“I don’t know all the details yet. The cop who told me said Kili’s defendant snapped and shot Kili before killing himself outside the courthouse. That’s all I know. He’s in surgery now, but it’s been over an hour…”

“I’m sure he’s fine, Thorin,” Dwalin interjected, squeezing the slightly smaller man. “These things are delicate; they take time.”

Thorin nodded and took a deep breath, then shifted to stand next to his mate, one arm draped around Dwalin’s waist while the other put his arm around Thorin’s shoulders. Fili bit his lip nervously, looking around the waiting room.

“Haven’t been in a hospital since Gracie was born,” he said quietly, a sadness to his voice that he shook off quickly. “I’m gonna sit down, okay? Before I start pacing or something.”

“Of course, of course,” Thorin said, motioning to one of the chairs. Fili nodded and went to sit down nearby, quickly occupying himself by playing with the kids using the beaded toy. Dwalin and Thorin both watched him silently, the latter sighing and turning away when Fili laughed with one of the kids. He was amazed at Fili’s strength in chaos – always had been – but he couldn’t watch the innocent happiness of the kids right now. It was making him feel bitter.

The automatic doors were opening and closing constantly, making Thorin wonder why they even bothered to have doors at all, and the lobby was steadily growing more chaotic. Car accident, a fall, a soccer injury… He heard it all in the mix of voices, but none of them mattered. His nephew was in surgery because his defendant had snapped a wire and tried to kill him. Thorin didn’t even know where he’d been hit! Was it a vital area? Was that why it was taking so long? Oh god, what if the guy had shot him in the heart? Or the head? People survived that kind of thing sometimes, but the survival rate was far too slim for his tastes. What if, what if, what if… 

Suddenly Dwalin’s arms were around him again, comforting him, and Thorin realized his cheeks were wet as he pressed his face into his mate’s worn shirt. Crying and hadn’t even known it, but Dwalin had seen it. Dwalin always knew when he was falling apart at the seams. 

“He’ll be okay, Thor. Try not to stress until we hear from the doctor, okay? For all you know, it could have been his hand.”

Thorin wanted to believe that, but they wouldn’t have brought him by ambulance if it had been minor, and the cop wouldn’t have come to get him, insisting he go to his nephew, if it wasn’t serious.

“Thorin!”

The voice calling his name startled him, and Thorin wiped his eyes quickly before turning to find a pudgy, red-faced man jogging towards him. He looked vaguely familiar, but Thorin couldn’t quite place him in his jumbled mind.

“I came as soon as I could. Is Kili in the clear yet?”

Thorin and Dwalin exchanged looks, and even Fili was looking over curiously.

“I’m… sorry, do I know you?” Thorin asked, tilting his head. The man seemed to flush even more and held out one sweaty hand.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I guess Kili hasn’t mentioned me. I’m… well I was… Mister Sellan’s attorney. I was there when it happened, and I’m just so worried…”

“You were there?” Thorin interrupted quickly, ignoring his hand as Fili came over. “What happened? Where was Kili shot?”

The attorney got a somber look on his face and shook his head. 

“It was horrible, just horrible. I had no idea Sellan even had a gun, and when he pulled it out… I tried to take it from him, you know. Of course I did. I tried to talk sense into him, but…”

“Where was Kili shot? Was it vital?” Thorin asked again, interrupting the sob story. The attorney sighed heavily.

“When he shot him, I don’t think we even realized it at first. I think Kili knew, but he didn’t fall right away. He was even still standing when Sellan turned the gun on himself. Blew the back of his head off… I had to go home and change. God, I’m going to need therapy… This is going to scar me, I guarantee it.”

“TELL ME WHERE HE WAS SHOT!” 

The lobby went silent at the loud demand, and Dwalin cleared his throat softly as he snaked an arm around Thorin’s trembling shoulders. Before any of them could say anything, however, a questionable voice was calling for Mister Shields. Thorin didn’t answer right way, and Dwalin glanced down at him before shaking his mate gently.

“…The doctor’s here, babe. Come on, let’s go talk to him.”

That seemed to snap Thorin from his rage, the anger pouring from his face as he turned to stare at the doctor who seemed more worried about his condition than anything. Ignoring the shocked attorney he had yelled at and the staring waiting room, Thorin all but ran to the doctor near the door.

“Kili… is he okay? What happened? Where was he shot? Was it vital? Is he going to…”

“He’s fine, Mister Shields,” the doctor interrupted before Thorin could ask that ultimate question. He offered all of them – Fili and Dwalin had followed him over – a smile. “Kili was shot in the torso near his stomach, and is in stable condition. The bullet went through and through, which means we didn’t have to extract it, but he has some internal damage that we fixed up.”

Thorin whimpered, half in relief and half in disbelief, and Dwalin replaced the arm on his shoulder again.

“He’ll need to stay in the hospital for a few days, and then strict bed rest for a few after that so long as he’s well enough to go home.”

“Thank you…” Thorin managed to say, reaching out to take the doctor’s hand so he could shake it with both of his own. “Thank you for taking care of him.”

The doctor smiled again and placed his own free hand over Thorin’s to shake them back.

“You’re very welcome, Mister Shields. You can see him now, if you’d like, and family of course can stay as long as you’d like.”

This time Dwalin thanked the doctor, who nodded and turned to lead them to the room.

“Wait, I want to see him!” The attorney called, toddling over to them quickly. “Kili is one of my dearest friends,” he explained at Thorin’s questioning eyebrow. “Please, may I see him?”

Thorin and Dwalin exchanged glances again, then Thorin shook his head.

“I think we need to be alone as a family right now. Thank you for your concern… You can leave your number with my secretary, and I’ll call to let you know how he’s doing.”  
The attorney looked flustered at the rejection, but nodded.

“Of course, of course. Family first and all that, I understand. I’ll just… I’ll go home and do paperwork and talk to the police. There’s so much to do, I suppose. Yes of course, family first.”

He was still muttering to himself as he walked away, and Dwalin raised an eyebrow that Thorin shrugged at.

“Better not to ask…” he concluded, then turned once more to follow the doctor to Kili’s room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, new chapter! I have two handwritten pages of notes plotting out the next few chapters, so now it's all a matter of lacing the thoughts together. Hope you enjoyed! Comments are loved <3


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